Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Internet Etiquette 101: Class 1

Ah, the world wide web... all the joys it brings, and all the grossly unimportant information I have gathered during my daily web visits. I like wikipedia even though it isn't a source despite what those sixth graders at the science fair I judged thought on the subject. I like stalking random acquaintances that I don't really care about via facebook. And yes, I love perusing the occasional blog (except for those that have automatic music players. I don't care how great you think your musical taste is, you should not inflict it upon others who are caught unawares). Despite all the joy that the Internet has given me... it has also given me immeasurable sorrow. It pains me, PHYSICALLY PAINS ME, when I see people who use the anonymity of the internet to share too much information... and trust me, there is such a thing as too much info.

Some friends and I were recently talking about this and we have decided that an Internet Etiquette class should be taught as soon as children can get their chubby fingers on the keyboard (I am referring to my own finger girth as I child, I do not pretend to know anything about the finger girth of my two regular readers... hi Mom). Sincerely, this is a topic for which I have VERY strong opinions and could go on and on and on. Happily for you, I will not. Every now and again class will be in session and we will be studying varying aspects of what IS and ISN'T appropriate online.

Today's class: Birth

In this session we will talk about the types of information and pictures that are acceptable to post on facebook/twitter/myspace(does anyone do myspace anymore, ps?) and on your blog.

1- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do I want to see your slimy offspring and their umbilical chord. Never. Under no circumstances is this okay. If you want the pics for your family album to show Uncle Will who comes over for afternoon tea... whatever. But DO NOT POST those things online. I could give you many logical and illogical reasons, but let us settle on this, your slimy baby is gross.

2- NO UPDATES VIA FACEBOOK STATUS MENTIONING ANATOMICAL ISSUES RELATED TO BIRTH. That is right, the words centimeters, and diameters, and ovulation, should be omitted. The only one that cares is your husband/boyfriend, your mom, and maybe your nosey aunt. Limit those facts to them. The rest of us will be fine without that information. Also, the decision to breast feed or not to breast feed is a private one which I don't need to read about.

In lieu of doing falling into errors 1 and 2, here are some acceptable and appropriate alternatives.

a)Pictures of the happy birth AFTER everyone is cleaned up and appropriately clothed.

b)Pictures of the baby looking cute a few weeks after birth (again with clothes, we will be teaching a special session for all you mommy blogger offenders out there titles, THIS KID WILL GROW UP: BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS/HER PRIVACY NOW).

c)Birth announcement posted online. Tasteful picture and pertinent facts, nothing about mommy yelling like a banshee for an epidural.

d)Status update examples.

Sunny Moon Smith was born today at 6:15. She weighed 7 lbs is x amt of inches and everything went well.


Wahoo- I am a father!

On our way to the hospital to have our 5th kid. You know, the usual.


There you have it folks. Your first class. Please realize that scenarios 1 and 2 are so prevalent that I did not make up or exaggerate the circumstances. I could give you particular instances, but my mother taught me to be a Lady. And in this instance, I will actually try to be one.


smithfieldman said...

Agreed. Never do we need to see the slime from babies.

Anne B. said...

1. AMEN to the "don't shove your music down my throat via blogger."

2. I don't even like my OWN slimy babies. (true statement!) Please don't force yours on me.

T-Ray said...

I could not agree more. My roommate and I were just talking the other night that some things are a little too personal to put online for everyone to read.... but you can still share... just edit a little. ha ha. I think I am going to enjoy these classes.

Dan and LaVon said...

Oh thanks heavens its not only old people (you know those ones over the age of 50) who think all these things, and wonder where has sanity left the country, THANK YOU for speaking out and educating these scoundrels who post before thinking....ohhh yes and there are many other things that should NEVER be posted,,never ever!

Holly said...

I'm glad you got this rolling. The world need it!

Holly said...

or *needs* it. That's what I meant. Drr

J.F. said...

I had very skinny fingers as a child. As a grown man, still very skinny. Also, I promise to never regale you with stories about how dilated I am. All hospital pictures of baby #2 will be tasteful (in that I won't be in any of them).

Carolina said...

Thank you for the lesson. I am eager to learn everything I need to know before giving birth in June. Please clarify, however, what "properly clothed" means. Is a hospital gown proper attire? Is it more appropriate to wear a hospital gown with goemetric shapes in assorted colors than it is to wear a plain one?

Thanks in advance for the clarification,

An Eager Student

Nathan said...

All this sage wisdom must have come from your balanced upbringing in Fruitland.

And I couldn't agree more.

Anonymous said...

Drive carefully. It is not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.............................................

Rebecca said...

I'm with you on the music. But I'm totally laughing about the other. I have a blog which is entirely dedicated to birth stories, pictures, and general pregnancy and birth information. I'm studying to be a midwife at the moment! =) I don't post that kind of information on my family blog or facebook or anything, but it sounds like you'd better not go to the other blog! LOL EVER! I don't think you'd like it. ;)

Good to see you're doing well, though.

stewedslacker said...

Women everywhere: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS! At least not on the internet. So stay off.