Internet Etiquette 101: Class 1

Ah, the world wide web... all the joys it brings, and all the grossly unimportant information I have gathered during my daily web visits. I like wikipedia even though it isn't a source despite what those sixth graders at the science fair I judged thought on the subject. I like stalking random acquaintances that I don't really care about via facebook. And yes, I love perusing the occasional blog (except for those that have automatic music players. I don't care how great you think your musical taste is, you should not inflict it upon others who are caught unawares). Despite all the joy that the Internet has given me... it has also given me immeasurable sorrow. It pains me, PHYSICALLY PAINS ME, when I see people who use the anonymity of the internet to share too much information... and trust me, there is such a thing as too much info.

Some friends and I were recently talking about this and we have decided that an Internet Etiquette class should be taught as soon as children can get their chubby fingers on the keyboard (I am referring to my own finger girth as I child, I do not pretend to know anything about the finger girth of my two regular readers... hi Mom). Sincerely, this is a topic for which I have VERY strong opinions and could go on and on and on. Happily for you, I will not. Every now and again class will be in session and we will be studying varying aspects of what IS and ISN'T appropriate online.

Today's class: Birth

In this session we will talk about the types of information and pictures that are acceptable to post on facebook/twitter/myspace(does anyone do myspace anymore, ps?) and on your blog.

1- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do I want to see your slimy offspring and their umbilical chord. Never. Under no circumstances is this okay. If you want the pics for your family album to show Uncle Will who comes over for afternoon tea... whatever. But DO NOT POST those things online. I could give you many logical and illogical reasons, but let us settle on this, your slimy baby is gross.

2- NO UPDATES VIA FACEBOOK STATUS MENTIONING ANATOMICAL ISSUES RELATED TO BIRTH. That is right, the words centimeters, and diameters, and ovulation, should be omitted. The only one that cares is your husband/boyfriend, your mom, and maybe your nosey aunt. Limit those facts to them. The rest of us will be fine without that information. Also, the decision to breast feed or not to breast feed is a private one which I don't need to read about.

In lieu of doing falling into errors 1 and 2, here are some acceptable and appropriate alternatives.

a)Pictures of the happy birth AFTER everyone is cleaned up and appropriately clothed.

b)Pictures of the baby looking cute a few weeks after birth (again with clothes, we will be teaching a special session for all you mommy blogger offenders out there titles, THIS KID WILL GROW UP: BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS/HER PRIVACY NOW).

c)Birth announcement posted online. Tasteful picture and pertinent facts, nothing about mommy yelling like a banshee for an epidural.

d)Status update examples.

Sunny Moon Smith was born today at 6:15. She weighed 7 lbs is x amt of inches and everything went well.

The BABY is HERE!

Wahoo- I am a father!

On our way to the hospital to have our 5th kid. You know, the usual.

etc

There you have it folks. Your first class. Please realize that scenarios 1 and 2 are so prevalent that I did not make up or exaggerate the circumstances. I could give you particular instances, but my mother taught me to be a Lady. And in this instance, I will actually try to be one.