Monday, September 17, 2007

Two Hours of Mindless Television has Unvieled Life's Greatest Mysteries

Yes, that is right. The mysteries of the universe are at my fingertips. Who knew that all I had to do was watch a VH1/MTV Medley and I would find out all I ever wanted to know about Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness? I am upset that I wasted all those hours in church, but relieved that this epiphany happened right before I watched that The Secret video. Dodged a bullet there, eh? At any rate I would like to share much of what I learned. Okay, just the ten most important lessons.

1--Any time you put a K in anything that requires a C it is automatically more street, and therefore cool.

2--Fergie is kind of a skank. Okay, that was no big revelation, but why must we play that same song over and over and over again when it is ridiculously boring?

3--My lip gloss IS poppin'!

4--The Kid Nation show is a hugely bad idea. Yeah, I've read the book, it's called Lord of the Flies, and it doesn't end well. Spoiler--they kill Piggy.

5--Mark Ronson is a musical genius and will one day rule the world because he is so musically talented. In addition, Daniel Merriweather's voice for some unknown reason seems to make ladies cry.

6--Every Nickelback song sounds the same.

7--And in a related story, Lifehouse is America's answer to Nickelback.

8--There is a gate to hell that opens when Fergie videos are played simultaneously on both VH1 and MTV. It is a frightening few minutes, and a person will not survive without severe psychological damage.

9--Disney is taking over the world, one pseudo-dysfunctional popstar at a time.

10--People look better in videos if they can somehow manage to be wet and/or sweaty.