One World....

A friend of mine recently embraced vegetarianism. I have nothing against vegetarianism. Nor do I have anything against veganism. Militant veganism; however, is another story for another time. I am not sure if whilst embracing vegetarianism he also thought he might embrace some other isms... but for whatever the reason, he decided to eat at the One World Cafe. Here is his properly scathing review.

"okay, I have returned. And I think that restaurant is the embodiment of liberalism. And it fails. The selection was extremely poor, the food bland. They guilt tripped me into paying more for the food than it was worth (so that they can afford to feed the poor), And I left hungry. I stopped off at this incredible gourmet bakery, just so I could feel full. The bakery, probably embodies conservatism. The selection was huge, the prices were low, I bought way more than I can eat, and am now so full of whip cream that I am sick."

Christmas Carol it Ain't

What has me so incensed that I would use the colloquialism ain't, you ask? Well, Christmas is upon us, which I adore, by the way. But now the Christmas music is ALSO upon us, and trust me, not all Christmas music is created equal. Here I am mentally referencing that God forsaken 8 month period when my roommates played the 98 Degrees Christmas album throughout the entire 8 months rain or shine. Alas, moving on. One song that I often hear at Christmas time annoys (I had infuriates typed up here, but that is far too strong a word) is "My Favorite Things" via that classic musical The Sound Of Music.

Not only is this song NOT a Christmas song, I can't even determine how it came to BE a Christmas song. Initially, in the original stage production, this song is sung by Maria to Mother Superior when she is leaving to be a governess. Most people are more familiar with the movie version where she sings it to calm the children during a thunder storm. In no instance does this song take place at Christmas or even in Winter. Let us dissect the lyrics.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens -no illusion to Christmas here
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens - mittens, not solely worn during Christmas
Brown paper packages tied up with strings - she says 'packages' not GIFTS, people
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels -nothin'
Door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles - sleighs are how they got around
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -nothing Christmassy here
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes - nope
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes - this references winter
Silver white winters that melt into Springs - ah, but we move away into Spring
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites - No
When the bee stings - Also no
When I'm feeling sad - Who knows?
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

So please, strike this one from your Christmas Carolling List. In a related story. A few weeks ago The Beardocrat and I were watching some previews. Along came a preview for a Christmas movie and the Beardocrat muttered, "Man, Christmas is in peril a LOT." I agree.

Google Wave: All the Cool Kids Have It...

I am not sure if that is strictly true, but I have had a nonstop conversation today via the internet about googlewave. (how can I converse all day and still manage to be hard at work? well... it is complicated, you wouldn't understand) You will notice that I am utilizing two different spellings as I am not sure which is correct and I like to cover my bases. So everyone keeps telling me about their invites to googlewave. I shrug. I sigh. I meh. I hate technology. Everyone knows this. I have certainly mentioned it enough. Remember this? Or this? How about this? Okay, that last one was just a jaunt down memory lane. But really, I am not interested in technology.

Yet, this googlewave thing took me back to when I received my invitation to gmail. That is right, back when you had to be invited. Sure my life didn't change immediately after being invited to gmail by this guy, but change it did. Without gchat how would I ever keep up on the love lives of various people who require my constant guiding hand? How would my friend Smithfieldman tell me he received his Google Wave invite this very day? Or how would I ask my own beloved Beardocrat if he had been invited to Google Wave and find out he had!?

Now this puts me in an interesting position... to despise technology and be better than technology is one thing... but to not be cool enough to be invited to technology is quite another. And I find I am torn. The Beardocrat, who has a passionate love of all things technological and gadgety, tried to placate me by telling me he doesn't think it will be all that cool. He then assured me that he just got his invite today... and that 'if I wanted' he'd send me one. Regular readers of CPR will realize at this point in our gchat I will be skeptically furrowing my eyebrows and pursing my lips. He'll send me an invite, will he?

And via the technology that is gchat I cut paste you the exciting conclusion to my googlewave envy google: "Invitations will not be sent immediately. We have a lot of stamps to lick. " So it may be a while. Yeah, thanks for nothing, google.

Billboards: The Commercials of Utah's Highways

I live with someone who has two business cards. One says Art Director, and his latest says Creative Director (can we say a little pretentious??? You direct CREATION... What?). Yes, he hasn't switched jobs, and it is for the same company. I shake my head and don't ask questions. That was pretty much the philosophy with which I approached advanced math [(s) if you're British]. Long story continuing to be long... he is what people would consider 'good at art'. For this reason I believe he HATES billboards. And when I say HATES in all caps, I mean he REALLY HATES billboards. He mentions it often, and recently has been talking about city/county ordinances against billboards. Those of you who know me (Hi Latin Fury) often accuse me of disliking things strongly for no good reason, and maybe I do... but the Beardocrat's hatred of billboards still slightly mystifies me.

Innocently I pointed out the billboard for Sundance's Night Skiing in order to demonstrate that not all billboards were crimes against art and humanity. Said billboard features two adorable owls. Oh, look. there they are. Adorable, right? I mean, one hates to gush but I really like me some owls. The Beardocrat would not yield, he said that billboards are the commercials of Utah's highways. And no matter if a commercial is well done or no, it is still a commercial. Well, I hate commercials. So 1 point to directors of art and creation everywhere.

A Walking Tour of My Neighborhood

I Am Not Afraid of Swine Flu

That is right. I said it. I think everyone is over reacting about swine flu. Check out the graph. It shows deaths in the last (or semi recent) 300 day period and their causes. Swine Flu ranks right above leprosy. Yes, that is right Leprosy. It ranks under Malaria, TB AND Dengue Fever (yes, I had the Dengue. It wasn't pleasant, but I am alive to tell the tale) in the communicable diseases category. Now I know someone who contracted BOTH Leprosy and Swine Flu and lived. Sure, she didn't get them at the same time... but the moral of the story is the same. All these people freaking out and rushing to get vaccinated and crying because they can't get in for something that kills less people than diarrheoal in a 300 day period. Yes, LESS than the runs people. So please. Take a step back to rationality and realize that the Swine Flu is just another sickness.

In case you are wondering, No, I will not get the Swine Flu vaccine, and no, I will not use Purel every four seconds, and no, I will not die of the Swine Flu, even if I get it. I survived Dengue people, and that kills far more the the Swine Flu.

Trunk or Treat

I have never been a big trick or treater. Blame the Latin in me, but I find it highly strange to go door to door essentially BEGGING for candy... from strangers no less. I have never actually been trick or treating in my life. True. I have attended many a Halloween party, carnival, or other events that involve haunted houses and throwing pumpkin shaped bean bags at targets. I even highly approve of dressing up. Trick or treating; however, is another story.

On the 24th I will be attending my first Trunk or Treat. I guess the philosophy is that you park in a parking lot and everyone just rushes by really quickly and you give the kids candy... okay. This seems even MORE wrong than trick or treating. So help me, if you are going to be begging for tootsie rolls that I bought with my hard earned money, you are going to have to freeze going door to door all evening and WORK for it. I highly suspect that on the 24th I will give the trunk or treaters enough candy to sicken them and then on the 31rst they will ALSO appear at my door expecting MORE treats. This is getting ridiculous and I ask, where will it end? Next year will I be required to go door to door and give the children candy in the comfort of their own homes?