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Tales From the Supermarket Pt. One

Fifteen items or less means simply this... FIFTEEN ITEMS OR LESS. Preferably less. If you are confused, you may simply count the items in your basket. Yes, basket... if you have a cart and have anything other than a 50 lb bag of dog food or charcoal and a carton of milk... surprise, you don't have fifteen items. Trust me. You have more than 15 and are just trying to scrape through and destroy the delicate order that the supermarket society promotes. I don't care if it is SIXTEEN. I don't want to stand behind you with my lonely loaf of bread as you ring in your two carts full of penny candies and then pay with a check.
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Karen E. said…
These are the same people that also have about 46 coupons. I once had to wait in line behind a woman who had to have her entire purchase rescanned a different way so that she could use coupons. I had to put my 12 items back in my cart and move to another line. I was livid!
May 26, 2009 at 4:47 PM
smithfieldman said…
I can't wait for Pt. Two. Is this where you attack the person in front of you?
May 26, 2009 at 10:48 PM
The Rage said…
Nice! I'm in on the coupon (pronounced coo-pon, just in case you wondered) story, the "I chose an item with no price tag on it, how silly of me" story and I'm always behind the price check lady who "just can't remember if it was 1.98 or 1.99 - why doesn't this nice young man run over and check the price" while the rest of us wait. Kill me!
May 27, 2009 at 12:41 AM
Nolo and Lauren said…
i also believe some stores need a 5 items or less line
May 27, 2009 at 2:20 PM
Dana Minyard said…
Actually, supermarkets only need two aisles. One for people with an inflated sense of self-importance so everyone in line can make snap value judgments about each other based on such revealing criteria as: the number of items in the cart; the number of coupons in hand; whether you're writing a check or using a check card; scolding a child; talking on a cell phone; fumbling for the correct change; damn, the wallet's in the car, etc... And then another aisle for those who just kind of go with the flow because they know that expecting a speedy checkout line in any establishment frequented by Homo Sapiens is borderline delusional anyway so you might just as well relax and scan the tabloid headlines for the latest celebrity pregnancy/adoption/divorce/weight loss/weight gain while you wait. So. Which aisle would you queue up in?
May 31, 2009 at 7:04 PM
stewedslacker said…
What the hell Doubting Thomas? Here is a little snap judgment for you: you are a DOUCHE. I think that it isn't too much to expect that people honor rules. Those are the people that really have an exaggerated sense of self importance; they believe (knowing that they are paying with coupons/have too many items/ using a check/etc) that other people who bow down and allow them to do whatever they wish. Also people who have nothing better to do that run their pseudo intellectual sounding, long, and snarky comments believing themselves to be valuable source of opinion for some reason. In conclusion: if there is a order in an establishment, it should be obeyed.
June 2, 2009 at 6:11 PM
Dana Minyard said…
Thanks for your considered comments, stewedslacker. Let me reply to your ad hominem attack by saying I have reasons to feel the way I do. If you can bear reading a long, snarky, pseudo-intellectual reply, here's why. Standing in line, a woman with more than the requisite items is unloading as the cashier scans. Her hand shakes a little, probably because the man behind her is rolling his eyes, muttering under his breath, making a big deal of hefting his single loaf of bread; in general, being an ass. Here we have another person unable to abide people not following RULES, by god. What he fails to notice is that the woman is wearing a pair of leg braces. She's trying to hide it, but the way the slacks fit over her legs, and a brief glimpse of what appears to be a hinge about where her ankle would be makes it pretty obvious to me. The hitch in her get-along when she pushes her cart away confirms this. So here we have a woman who - at first glance - is normal and healthy, but also, obviously stupid and selfish because she thinks herself above the rules, wouldn't you say? On closer examination however, the more likely explanation could be that she's tired, probably in some pain, and I imagine just trying to find the quickest way out of here so she can get home and get those braces off. Supermarkets don't have a queue for the disabled, so the express line was probably the best option to someone who obviously suffers discomfort by just standing upright. This was an epiphany for me, and I was embarrassed to be witness to such a sorry display. Cynic Picnic, I apologize for the length of this reply. Let me wrap it up by saying to you stewedslacker: if Cynic Picnic doesn't want people to give an opposing opinion, Cynic Picnic can easily remove the "comment" option from this blog. In the meantime I will consider my input, despite the fact that I'm probably over-reacting to a what amounts to a bit of whimsy, to be just as valid, and welcome, as yours. I would much rather err on the side of tolerance, but I guess that's just me being a douche.
June 3, 2009 at 4:50 AM
stewedslacker said…
I was reading Douchebag Thomas's Epiphany Epistle and about halfway through it dawned on me that there is nothing that could possibly be written there to be worth all my time that it was taking. So lets just all be content to admit that good ole' DT is the bestestest Christian there is and get on with our lives.
June 3, 2009 at 6:18 PM
Dana Minyard said…
So to quote you, stewedslacker: "I think that it isn't too much to expect that people honor rules." Apparently, commonly accepted rules of polite behavior don't apply to you, eh? Do you always cherry pick what is acceptable and what is not? You don't even know me, yet you call me a douchebag? I have not once descended to using crude epithets, despite your obvious flair for hitting below the belt. Is this how you usually respond to a sincerely crafted rebuttal? You must be a really fine fellow. I am always happy to engage in spirited debate; however, having no wish to conflate the issue, I bow to your superior skill in lowering the overall level of intelligent discourse on the internet, and happily abandon this thread in search of greener pastures. Oh, by the way: I would have thought the name Doubting Thomas would clue you in to the fact that I am NOT a Christian. Sorry to have confused you. In a parting note, it's a sad thing to see people actually proud of the cynicism infecting their ability to relate to others. As though their hatred of humanity were somehow grown-up and hip. Sorry to have - in a sense - come into your house, Cynic Picnic, and created all this ruckus.
June 3, 2009 at 7:28 PM
The Rage said…
Wow, entertained for about a minute... nice :) We all noted the cynic part of cynic picnic, right? Just checking.
June 6, 2009 at 10:41 PM
Alan said…
It's fun to judge people harshly for judging people harshly. :)
June 8, 2009 at 7:13 AM
Carolina said…
The rules are just too complicated. What if I have 20 yoplait yogurts? They are all the same item. The cashier can scan one and multiply by 20. Do I have one "item" or two?
June 9, 2009 at 9:43 AM
politicchic6 said…
That is 20 separate items, Carolina. As in items=objects. You make the assumption that the checker WILL just scan the item and multiply by 20... but in my continuing expose of Supermarkets... I will prove that not all checkers are created equal. Apparently minimum wage doesn't buy what it once did.
June 9, 2009 at 10:26 AM
jennifer said…
Talk about sporting fun. It got pretty intense there for a bit.

Waiting in line isn't always so bad says I. This one time when I finally was able to get to be checked out after waiting in line for some coupon ladened woman to get done with her check out ordeal, the cashier gave me a free candy bar. It had all been worth it in the end.
June 10, 2009 at 9:53 AM
jennifer said…
By the way when is this alleged "Art City Days"? Maybe Mary and I will come out for it.
June 10, 2009 at 9:57 AM
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