Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Girl Scout Cookies

I am about to anger all 1.5 readers of my blog with this next post. But I feel like it is time to get back to cynicism. I have been too happy lately. I will admit it. I have sung. I have danced. I have frolicked. I have found myself staring off at odd times with an awkward smile on my face and I apologize. If CPR has one credo, it is to shed light on those things that annoy. Few things annoy me more than Girl Scout Cookies.
Where to begin? People LOVE these things, and I am not sure why. Very recently three separate people admitted guilt to eating a whole package of Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting. Imagine my disgust. A) that they would endorse the girl scout organization via cookie purchases but mostly B) that they thought a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies meant something. If ever there was a group of people that promoted ridiculously small portions... it was those Girl Scouts.

Also... and here comes cause for angry rebuttal comments: GIRL SCOUT COOKIES ARE DISGUSTING. They taste and have the consistency of cardboard. Yeah, I said it. Thin mints? Cardboard. Samoas? Cardboard? All those other kinds that I think are even LESS redeemable? Cardboard. I lived with a person called The Rage who often made cookies. They tasted like cookies. They had the consistency of cookies. In short they WERE cookies. In no way did the resemble what the Girl Scouts try to pass off as cookies. To be frank, if I am going to destroy my caloric intake for the day, I am doing it by consuming a cookie. A real cookie. A true cookie.

Some of you probably feel that this post is motivated from a hatred of uniformed girls selling goods, but that is untrue. This post is a result of guilt. I (yes, prepare to be shocked) was a girl scout and sold these... cookies. I apologize to anyone who might have bought them, or bought into the whole "proceeds go to help local troops" this is a lie. Cookie revenue that remains at a local level goes to pay for Girl Scout camp which is where the Girl Scout Agenda is truly seen. If you wonder what the Girl Scout organization supports, why don't you take a look at the lobby dollars they spend in Washington. You might be surprised. And you might just stop buying those nasty cookies.


smithfieldman said...

I think that in retrospect you should be required to pay back all the proceeds you made off of selling Girl Scout cookies, and since I'm sure you don't remember who you sold them to, it was me. So send the check to my place, you know my address.

The Rage said...

Thanks for shout out to my cookies. Praise is always appreciated :)I'm proud to say I haven't bought a box of gs cookies ever in my life - BUT I have eaten of the boxes of others.I do confess that I enjoy those mint cookies, but not of the girl scout variety. There are some ingenious little elves out there that made Grasshopper mint cookies and they are delicious - I use them for cookie sucking (wink, wink). So sweet and delicious!

Casey said...

I am unsure what I find the most shocking about this post. Either the fact that you--or anyone--dislikes girls scout cookies, or the fact that you were a girl scout yourself. I have a mental image of you in your uniform knocking on Zola's trailer door. It is quite funny.

I proudly bought six boxes of cookies the other day. Wonderful!

jennifer said...

Oh no, what's going to happen to me once I do the research and find out what the girl Scouts truly are
about? I've just bought 3 boxes from my niece. Will I be ladened with guilt unable to eat a single morsel? Will I throw those boxes in the trash? Will I go to the local Macey's where these little girls in uniform are selling so called cookies with protest signs to try to let everyone else know about the evil organization that is the Girl Scouts? Or will I ravage every single last one of them? Only time will tell.

stewedslacker said...

Basically, I feel no remorse. I don't buy them, I have the Latin Fury do that. I don't care if they lobby for homosexual rights. I LOVE Somoas.

Darbleyg said...

Girl Scouts are little like the sugar mafia. Don't support them. Do however update your blog more than once a month please.