Cynic Picnic Revisited

Bunko?

2012-01-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

Last week I received not my first, but my SECOND invitation to join a group of Bunko players. My knowledge of Bunko is fairly limited based on things overheard from various conversations that I was absentmindedly taking part in, but my understanding of Bunko is as follows: Ladies get together. They pay money. They gossip. They eat. They roll dice. They come home with crappy home decor. Granted, I am the Latin Fury's daughter and a lot of the aforementioned activities are appealing to me, but I can't do it. I am too young for Bunko. Now, I know people who will claim that you are never to young for Bunko, but I disagree. While I have an ounce of spring in my step, I will not join your Bunko Group? Club? Coven? Not sure about the terminology, but I am out. Sorry.

Just Further Proof*

2011-12-26T16:25:00.001-08:00

* That Alan is cool. I took these pictures of him.

Merry Christmas To Me!!!

2011-12-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

When I was young my older brother and I used to play Dukes of Hazzard. Since my bike didn't have any different speeds, I was always Rosco P. Coltraine. I had to bumble around riding my bike trying to catch my older brother's bike only to see him escape every time. Year after year, but no more! This year the Beardocrat got me a SUPER sweet custom globe bike from Bingham Cyclery. I have already dubbed him the General Lee.

See the Beardocrat is really great at getting gifts. Sometimes I feel bad for all the girls in the world that don't get to be his wife, because he is pretty cool. The man got me a bike, for heaven's sake! And for my birthday he got me a subscription to The Economist.

Proof That I Am Old

2011-12-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Today, while I was cruising around town (yeah, I do that sometimes), I saw a personalized license place holder that read: You don't like my driving? You should see me putt. And I laughed, folks. Out Loud. Yes, I lol-ed. I am so ashamed. And so old.

Just Dreaming

2011-10-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Of a new outfit... what do you think?

a little dress. some shoes. and just in case it rains.

Isn't He Adorable?

2011-09-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

Look at those mischievous brown eyes. Imagine them peeking at you from over the couch as you are trying to read a book. Needless to say, not a lot of reading has gone on.

Some of you have requested to know my thoughts on Motherhood. Where to begin? Suffice it to say that I never imaged that I would pick someone's nose with my own hands. Yes, another nose on another human. Nasty, but a labor of love. THAT is motherhood.

Squirmy IS cuteness personified. So, if you wonder why I have no time to write these days, just realize that this little guy is the reason.

A Little Perspective

2011-07-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

Recently I got together with my freshman year roommates. We don't all live close to each other, and we don't see each other terribly often, but it is always interesting to get together. Between us we've seen some life! I remember vaguely calling ourselves the Sixters because there were six of us and we were like sisters. Pretty clever, I know. We were clever even as freshman.

A few years back one of the Sixters got a divorce. I remember feeling terribly sad and helpless and thought, "This is certainly the worst thing that could ever happen to one of us." And of course, I wondered why it DID happen. The Sixter, of course, picked herself up and moved on and is now the mother and step mother of a family of six kids! Who would have thought?

This last weekend Squirmy was up to his usual tricks and the Beardocrat and I were both pretty grumpy about parenthood and all that jazz. I would say uncharacteristically grumpy because the Beardocrat is rarely grumpy... but I am often out of sorts, so there goes that. At any rate, I found out that the next day that one of the Sixters lost her little baby girl who died in her sleep. As I shuffled through the day giving Squirmy extra cuddles and letting him sleep in my arms (a rare luxury), I felt that same helplessness and "How could this happen? Why did this happen?" Then I stumbled upon this. I particularly like the quote from Elder Holland, and the accompanying video.

The Truth

2011-07-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Okay. The Beardocrat and I have disagreed in the past about who is more geeky. So Alan found this test. We took it... and the results are in.

AGW- 27.86 %

MDW-30.44 %

Curse you, Academic Decathalon. Curse you, nerdy associates who led me into fan fiction. Curse you, Beardocrat for teaching me what I know about computers.

Lava Cookie

2011-05-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently people put their favorite recipes on their blogs. I am not going to start doing that because, frankly, cooking is not a large part of my life. I enjoy food and like to cook what I cook, but it isn't MY thing, you know. I do; however, feel it is my duty to turn you on to the deliciousness that is the Lava Cookie. I am not sure if that is its actual name, but I am calling it the lava cookie.
The Beardocrat's cousin shared a variation of this one evening, and so yesterday we gave it a shot.

Original version
Take one small ramekin and fill the bottom w/ cookie dough. Cook until it is a little doughy in the middle (or all the way through if you have a fear of salmonella). Let chill and fill rest of ramekin w/ your favorite ice cream.

Our Version
One small ramekin filled 3/4 full w/ cookie dough. Cooked on 375 for 15 minutes. Take out of oven and eat warm sans ice cream or anything.

The way we did it was SO wonderful. The sides bottom and top were cooked to perfection, but when you dipped in....mmm gooey, lava-esque center. It was BEYOND wonderful.

You are welcome.

Truer Words Were Never Written

2011-04-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Slightly Overdue... Oh Well

2011-04-03T20:25:00.001-07:00

* Click on the image a couple times to make this legible. It is SO worth it.

I Endorse Radiolab

2011-03-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, the Bendable Wilsons (that is my family... we even have a logo made for us by the Beardocrat's friend Jared) went on a road trip to the ancestral home of the Beardocrat. That is right... good ole, Broomfield Colorado. Though I endured a fair amount of Squirmy's screaming (apparently 3 month olds don't love to be in a car seat for eight hours...), and superior observations about how everything in Colorado is better than anything on earth, anywhere, ever, I also got to listen to Radiolab. I can not express how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Radiolab. In a society where reality TV is king and rarely do people stop to look at the world and wonder how it works the way it does, Radiolab is SO refreshing. Listening to Radiolab podcasts reminds me of when I was a little kid and I asked my parents the question "Why?" about a million times a day. Do yourself a favor and listen to one of the podcasts today.

Don't Cry For Me...

2011-02-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it has finally come... my last day of work. I am going to go home and do a different kind of work that (hopefully) involves my pajamas and endless bowls of soups on stormy days. For those of you keeping score at home, I have worked for money since I was a tender twelve year old. Yeah for living in an extremely rural area that did not legally have to observe minimum wage laws, or minimum age work requirements. I find the idea of being at home a bit daunting, in all honesty because a majority (okay, all) of my blog writing takes place at my current job. That means I will post even LESS than usual and what will my two regular readers do to find out what I think about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Tragedy, I know. For your enjoyment here is a little trip down the memory lane of my jobs.

Job 1- Dishwasher at the Current Creek Lodge and Cafe (there was a classy sign spelling this Kern Krik... ugh, but no matter as I called the place The Greasy Spoon, anyway). I had this job throughout my high school career, except that I managed to claw my way up to cashier in the store/gift shop. Many, MANY, good memories are associated with this job. Suffice to say, getting paid under the table was a delight. Sadly, the place no longer exists.

Job 2- Worker at Day's Market Deli. I did this job from the summer I graduated high school and kept coming back for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks my Freshman year, not to mention the following summer, and before I prepared to leave for the sandy beaches of Brazil where for 1.5 years I was not allowed NEAR a sandy beach. I returned to this job for a month before I returned to university... so lets just say I worked here for quite a while. I managed to become the evening supervisor, a position that I despised, but I was the only one who could count high enough to cash out the till so I was a shoe in. Good memories here as well.

Job 3- Substitute Teacher for Duchesne School District. Yep, I went down that road. This was only while I was preparing NOT to see those sandy beaches so about five months. It was interesting to be in classes with kids who were siblings of my friends. Yep, I WAS a glorified baby sitter. I did not magnify my substitute teaching calling.

Job 4- Custodian in the Brewster Building at good ole BYU. Many of you are unfamiliar with the Brewster Building, that is because it is the planning building and never housed any students for any reason. Basically I dusted for four hours. Oh, I also swept the auto body shop... but when the guys working there found out that I (a mere girl) was sweeping up their auto body messes, they were QUITE tidy. You can find old posts about how I felt about that job here and here and here, for good measure.

Job 5- I am not sure if this technically counts as a job since it was an Internship, but I did receive money for it (illegally I might add! Go Scottish Parliament!). For a brief stint I worked in the PRU--Press and Research Unit for the Scottish National Party. Yes, it was idyllic, and yes, I did love it so. Who doesn't love to get paid to travel to Brussels as part of work?

Job 6- Heritage Schools Night Watch and Team Lead. Oh, the tales I could tell... but I won't because wouldn't that be a violation of HIPPA? I posted about this job as well... I suppose the highlights of this job were that it paid just enough to support my rock star life style, I led a petition about changing work hours, and I got free lunch once a month as part of the Employee Council.

Job 7- This soon to be last job has served me well. A lot of things happened to me while I have been at this job. I got married. I had a kid. I learned all I will ever need to know about retirement planning, nursing homes, medicaid/medicare, Special Needs Trusts, and funeral plans. I had a talk with the Latin Fury recently and discovered that even my own mother has very little idea what I do for work on a daily basis (Why, I write blog posts, Mother). You can find some highlights of my time here, here, here, here...

Honestly, I will miss it. I've liked my co-workers a lot... in all my jobs. I've been fortunate to have really good bosses my entire career, even at The Greasy Spoon. Alas, we'll see what the future holds.

Ruminations the Day After Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

As I sit at my work desk (yes, I am at work, right now) munching on Valentine's Day candy, I wonder who decided to call the small packages of candy "Fun Size". There is nothing fun about them. I spend more time then I should opening tiny packages. Is it really worth it? Now a 44 oz bag of candy THAT is fun sized.

*post publishing edit... after posting this my friend (the Beardocrat) informed me that Brian Regan feels the same way and has said so. Now I know my Mormon friends will have a literal fit when I say I do not find Brian Regan funny... But I do not find him funny. I am more of a Dimitri Martin, Jim Gaffigan kind of girl. Despite Mr. Regan's position on this issue, I am not changing my mind.

Tales From The Supermarket: Costco Edition

2011-02-02T09:14:00.000-08:00

I love Costco... but I hate Costco as well, and the more I go, the more I hate it. Here is a quick list of the things I love:
Cakes! Could I go into more of a sugar coma because of their frosting... I think not. I like to celebrate every event in my life with a cake from Costco.
Ginormous (yes, I used the word ginormous) boxes of cereal.
Bread..mmm, they have yummy bread from places in Italy that make wonderful French dips.
Chicken Nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.
Excellent frozen vegetables, seriously, the highest quality you are going to get.
Mattresses. We bought our queen sized mattress here after shopping around and it was inexpensive in comparison.
Variety of goods. Where else can you get a mattress, frozen vegetables, power tools, a lap top, and a hot dog for your troubles?
Chicken Bakes. These are great and I don't mind going on a date to Costco if a Chicken Bake is on the menu.

Now, let us get to the most unpleasant list, with emphasis on the last item.
Lines. The checkout always has ridiculously long lines.
Largest carts in the world. I get it that they want me to stock up on 56 rolls of toilet paper and still have room for that pork shoulder, but I just don't need THAT large a cart. You get three of those in an aisle and you have a traffic jam.
Parking lot. It seems like Costco is the worst parking lot for bad driving in a state known for its bad drivers. I nearly get run into every time I go to Costco, and it is a lot, because a girl needs cake.
SAMPLES. I HATE the samples. I really do. First of all, a store is for shopping, not for hanging around trying to get a meal. In addition, the samples turn regular people into a pack of piranhas who have no respect for those that are actually trying to get in and get out of Costco in a reasonable amount of time. I have been jostled, run into, nearly run over, all by people wanting to get a bite sized portion of ravioli or some other nonsense. My estimation of humanity plummets when I watch people going after the samples.

Confession Time

2011-01-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

When I was young I watched this musical called Babes in Toyland. No, not the old school 1960s (or 70s, I don't recall, but it features technicolor) but the1986 version featuring a lot of talk about Cincinnati (I learned how to spell this from the clip you will find below) and Keanu Reeves. For the last several years I've wondered if i just imagines this gem or if it actually existed. Well, happily folks, I can't make this stuff up. It exists! In a big way.

Yes, you are welcome for one of my favorite clips from the movie. Since I have had time in the wee hours of the morning to peruse what Hulu has to offer, I found the joy that is Babes in Toyland. Seriously, check it out for yourself. All the nostalgic joy of youth. A little bonus was that while searching for the clip I discovered a whole cross section of clips devoted to Keanu Reeves and his 80s career.

Not a Mommy Blog, but...

2010-12-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

At the tender of of 31, I have become a parent and this fact bears mentioning. I call the little guy "Squirmy" for obvious reasons and he weighed in at 7 lbs 11 ounces and despite no indication of above average height in my or the Beardocrat's genetics, he was an impressive 21.5 inches when he arrived.

Quote of the week:
Well, hello Squirmy, you're looking very Darth Vader without a helmet today, aren't you?
- Uncle Stewedslacker

You Win... This Year

2010-12-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

I love real Christmas Trees. LOVE them. Granted, I do think that you should go out to the woods and get your own rather than buying one, but that is just me.

The Beardocrat hates real Christmas Trees. HATES them (I actually don't know if he feels THAT strongly about it, but he did sketch a picture of a weeping Christmas Tree next to his fallen comrade with the title "Merry Christmas"). Last year Big Steve brought us a tree. This year there is no real tree. There is a crochet tree...

Hello World, My Name is Turn Signal

2010-11-10T07:39:00.001-08:00

I've mentioned in the past that I live by three schools. Two elementary schools and one high school. Two of those schools are charter schools. Now I have nothing against charter schools in theory or in practice. I DO; however, have MUCH to complain about the parents who drop their kids off at said schools. Why they all drive mini vans, I neither know nor care, but I DO care that the entire lot (no, not generalization-fact based upon observation as I am trying to drive to work each morning) of them have no concept of the turn signal.

For those avid readers of CPR who care about the history of the turn signal, wikipedia and I will break it down for you... they've been around a while and they are a great idea. Let me further break it down by saying that the ability to signal whether we want to go left or right is what separates us from beasts. Yes, the turn signal civilizes us. The turn signal transformed us into a polite group of people who are not only safe, but also considerate of others around them.

Note to any charter school parents reading this: DO NOT dodge and weave as though you are on a bumper car collision course. CHECK all rear view and side mirrors BEFORE darting into the street. USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS! For the love of all humanity USE THEM.

Love Letter

2010-11-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Peggle:

I am so glad I met you. You make the world a better place.

Love,

Politicchic6

A New Tradition

2010-10-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today the snow fell in the valley. Sure, it was only a flake or two, and it didn't stick, but I could see it! This means it is time to break out the champagne glasses with snowflakes on them, and toast the first snow of the season. This is actually the first year we'll be attempting this tradition, but I like it. It works for a variety of reasons.
One, there are only two champagne glasses with snowflakes (the result of a secret work party gift exchange thing- I hope whoever got my re gifted picture frame thing was happy...).
Two, there are only two of us. How many occasions are the Beardocrat and I really going to have to use two fancy snowflake glasses?
Three, I am recently a winter convert. Having never particularly enjoyed the entire Winter Season (minus Christmas, of course, who can hate Christmas) I have acquired an appreciation of all things cold.
Four, we have that bottle of sparkling Peach juice just waiting for us to be underwhelmed by its 'meh' flavor.
Today is the day. Happy Winter, folks!

Flirty Aprons

2010-10-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

As I was contemplating life on the way to work (and the fact that the cost of fixing Constantine's ujoint is more than my faithful little CR-V is worth) I saw a sign for Flirty Aprons. I own a flirty apron. It was a gift which I appreciate because I didn't have an apron and I actually use it. But I don't use it to flirt. I use it to cook. I am not sure what the benefit of having a flirty apron is over having a regular apron as I am not even sure who the apron would flirt with. If the purpose is to flirt with the menfolk... I am sure as long as they are getting dinner they couldn't care less about the type of apron utilized to make said dinner.

Jazz

2010-10-05T09:02:00.001-07:00

It is no secret I am a music person. I've always been. A lesser known fact is that I am a jazz lover/hater. I got into Jazz in high school. Perhaps it was because I was recovering from an unholy 6 month period in Jr. High when I actually liked Country Music... but Jazz just hit the spot. All the pathos. All the longing. All the heartache. I still think that some of the best music about heartbreak can be found in the Jazz standards.

My love affair didn't end in High School. When I lived in Scotland there was this little pub called the Malt Shovel that had an amazing live jazz ensemble every Tuesday that played D'jango style jazz. They called themselves Swing 2004 at the time, but their name changed with the year. I had big plans of one day having them play some sweet tunes at my wedding... alas, I did not marry a Scotsman, and I think flying them over here would have been a BIT pricey.

Now, I feel it time to confess that I am seeming to hate Jazz. I've been searching for some really great current stuff, and I just can't find it. At least on this side of the ocean. There are a few British groups that are still producing good Jazz... but too much of it falls into the overly expirimental category or the too smooth elevator music category. The other day I was listening to an album that was supposed to be the greatest Jazz guitar ensemble in 20 years. Yawn. The whole thing was so disappointing. Back to my John Coltrane albums.

Boys v Girls Part II

2010-09-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

I do adore boys. Having only brothers I feel like they are the bees knees. That being said, one area in which women will always reign supreme (the notable exception being Mr. C. Lance) is in the area of fact gathering...

Let me elaborate. The Beardocrat has a friend who we will call Jared (I am pretty certain Jared is oblivious to this blog, and feel no guilt about using his real name). Jared has been dating a girl named Katy (also real name)for a while. Occasionally, the Beardocrat and I go on dates w/ Jared and Katy. Even before Katy was a thought in Jared's head I pressured him for information about his dating life. I discussed his dating fetes and failures with him and would analyze all the data I received to assist him. Because that is what I do. I assist people who don't always want or require my assistance (a really great perk that comes along with being a girl!).

Once the Beardocrat told me he and Jared would be lunching together. I knew he could not be trusted to talk about things other than typeface, and design ethics, and stories about a mutually despised former co-worker, I sent him with a list of questions specifically designed to force Jared to reveal the details of his relationship with Katy. The Beardocrat just forwarded these questions to Jared in an email format. He didn't even bother to sneak them in during conversation!

They had another lunch post our most recent double date adventure and the Beardocrat again did not seek out the desired information. Boys.

Boys v Girls

2010-09-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

I was people watching on my way to work today (hey, it happens) and spotted three boys about nine years old heading to school. The Beardocrat and I happen to live sandwiched in between two elementary schools, and a jr high/highschool so any which way I drive to work I am running into (not literally. Safety first people) kids. Anyway, this group of kids was having a spitting contest across the train tracks. I had to smile. I remember walking home from the bus stop with my older brother as he taught me how to 'gleek'. I still can't do it.

Compare that little vignette to when the Beardocrat and I had the misfortune of floating down a river with a gaggle of 10-12 yr old girls. There was a lot of unnecessary screaming, and over dramatizing and trying to get the attention of the 14 yr old boy in the group.

That being said, I am sure there are dramatic boys (hello, stewedslacker) and girls who aren't insane by the age of eleven. I just like to see boys being boys on their way to school.

August 2010 Mix

2010-09-01T09:28:00.001-07:00

I put together the music. Beardocrat put together the art. Download if you please.

Rockin R' Ranch

2010-08-26T10:10:00.001-07:00

Once again, it has been proven, that you can take the girl out of Fruitland, but you just can't take Fruitland out of the girl. After a 15 year hiatus I found myself literally back in the saddle again. And it was great. I generally like to endorse things like butter on my blog, I feel compelled to tell you how everyone should visit the Rockin' R Ranch once before they die.
The owner (who happens to look exactly like the little old man on Up, including the square hands, walker, flashy hair etc) is actually named Burns Black. Could there be a better cowboy name? I assert, there could not.

Bad Borrower

2010-08-18T14:45:00.001-07:00

The Beardocrat recently let me know that I am a 'bad borrower'... this came right on the heals of our annual frenzied clean (and yes, the Beardocrat and I disagree about clean... but that is another story for another time). I don't know that we have an annual clean, but let us just say, that our living quarters have not been up to my standards for quite some time. Hence the clean, where Alan added to my pile of "Things To Return".
These soft rumblings about my borrowings began at roughly the time we went on a little camping adventure with Big Steve and the Latin Fury et al. I took a book that Big Steve wanted to borrow from me, and a book that I'd borrowed from him and had finished, only to arrive home with the borrowed book still in our possession. This mystified the Beardocrat as both the books were in my suitcase together and in his reasoning it would have been just as easy to hand him two books instead of one... ah, silly boy. He has much to learn. Also on the Beardocrats lists of offenses is a hammer I have had for about seven years. In a major concession (because I, like Henry Clay, am quite the compromiser) I said I would talk to my friend, and find out if he has any ill feelings about the hammer. The following is an excerpt from that IM conversation.

MW: Also, that out of the way, Alan insists I return your hammer.
Yes, I have a hammer that I borrowed from you a million years ago.
Alan says I am a 'bad borrower' and I said that you probably don't even USE hammers that often in your private life, but he asserts it doesn't matter.
CL: I think about that hammer occasionally not that I care at all mind you. But sometimes when I am looking for a hammer I think about it and wonder if I got it back and just lost it or what.
I use them more than you would think, and it is always lost. But I have honestly moved on. Like my blue coat that was in fruitland for five years.
MW: Ha! But to be fair, no one knew the coat was yours. we kept wondering whose it was. Well, when you come back to the office, I will bring you the hammer, and two of your books that I have, and your Into the Woods, since it really is your year or two of custody.
CL: I think alan probably doesn't realize that I am an equally bad borrower, and that I am forgetful enough that I don't even remember having lent things out I had no idea you had books of mine. I think I may have one of yours
MW: You do, a William Thackary book, but that is neither here nor there.

Below you will find a list of all those borrowed items I have, and my theory about borrowing in general.

Hammer-belonging to Casey
The Thought Police (book)-belonging to Casey
Can't remember which Number One Ladies Detective Agency (book)- belonging to Casey
Into The Woods (dvd)-belonging to Casey, although we actually decided that we have joint ownership of this as Casey had my VHS Into the Woods for several years as well.
Jesus the Christ (book)- belonging to Dr. Merrell
The Blue Castle (book)- belonging to Dr. Merrell
Band of Brothers (dvd)- belonging to Marion (actually returned today, so I am not sure if I should even add it to this list, since it is out of my life)
Culture of Corruption (book)- belonging to Big Steve
Daria the complete series (dvd)- belonging to Jen and Mark although the Beardocrat technically borrowed this one. I was just with him at the time.
Guys and Dolls (dvd)- belonging to Abby
(note, I do not add Bride and Prejudice to this list because The Rage just dropped it off at our house one day without having been asked for it)

So there are a few items on that list, but to be fair, most of the people on that list currently have things they have borrowed from me. My philosophy on lending/borrowing is this. I would never lend you things if I felt that you were not going to permanently be part of my life, nor would I borrow things from you. I like to keep my lending and borrowing to that group of people who I feel that I will always see and know. Therefore, allowing me to return items at my leisure, because I don't intend to keep the aforementioned items forever... just for periods that stretch into years.

Another True Love

2010-07-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a family that did not eat butter. We had margarine. Two of my brothers have PKU, so margarine was really the better choice. My OTHER brother has a strange aversion to any buttery spread and claims he can 'smell' when the margarine is anywhere near the table... okay... I digress. As a result, I never developed the love of butter that I could have developed along the way.

I ask you, all of you... have you ever TASTED butter? Really tasted butter? It is AMAZING. Thank you, Dr. Merrell for insisting that butter be kept in our apartment. You have given me something I need in the same way that I need bacon. You have opened my eyes to a whole new world, Disney style.

Hair Cut

2010-07-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

Since my birth, my hair has been an issue. I've seen pictures of cherubic babies with a fake bow plastered to their adorable little heads... enter baby picture of me, fake bow ensnared in a tangled mass of something resembling thick seaweed. Yep, my hair. At first I played the game with my hair, I attempted to tame it, but eventually I had to concede that I fought the good fight and call it a day. But where am I going with this, you ask?

This Saturday I got a hair cut. I've gone to the same professional for my hair cuts for years, and she's never let me down. She always manages to make my hair look better than it has a right to. This time I asked her to cut it much shorter than usual. She graciously complied. She did show me what seven inches looked like, I think she doubted my resolve... at any rate, we did the cut and I think it looks great. Yep, no false humility here, the hair looks great. I got compliments. Stewed Slacker said it looked nice. The Beardocrat even said so...
Wait a minute! Then I remember, the age old hair cutting rule. NO ONE TELLS YOU YOUR HAIR CUT LOOKS BAD! I, myself, have been guilty of telling a girl I liked her hair cut when I REALLY thought it looked horrible. I mean BEYOND horrible.
And then I remember, this is still ME here, and I am narcissistic enough to like my hair independent of what others think.

Internet Etiquette Class 3- substitute teacher

2010-07-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

All right class... as you can see, today we have a substitute who comes to us from the very special land of K-Can Alaska, where he hikes, he kayaks, and spends hours contemplating the meaning of life by watching his lava lamp. He also reports and fights crimes. In his spare time he teaches classes about the internet.
He brings to you Class 3: The Engagement

Yes, we know you are in love. Yes, there are times when we wouldn't
mind seeing you — dare I say it — kiss. However, those times are
extremely rare (the odds are better for the Detroit Lions to have a
winning season than for us wanting to see you kiss. For you non-
sports fans the odds are better that a guy not dragged to Twilight by
a significant other will say he liked the movie) and should be kept
from the online world.

So if you are planning to post engagement photos online, here's a few
rules to abide by:

Don'ts
• Never post a picture of you and significant other smooching,
canoodling, smacking or whatever the kids are calling it these days.
Even Eskimo kisses, are a no-no.

• Especially don't post pictures where one of you are hanging upside
down and you are kissing. In fact, make sure both of you are in the
same vertical direction.

• Make sure we can't see your tongue.

• No matching shirts, especially ones with flags on them; but please
keep your shirts on.

• No gimmicks. No peeking around the corner, hugging a tree or a pole
for that matter, and again stay right-side up.

• No pets, photographers, children, trucks, tractors, or other
inanimate object that could be construed as your second love.

• Stay out of wheelbarrows, the ocean, lakes and rivers for the shot.

• Guys, don't touch her butt for the shot. Gals, stay clear of the
crotch.

• No cheesy jumping up in the air, and no strangling — fake or real.

Do's (There's only one):

• Post pictures where you both look like a happy, normal couple.
(please no fake smiles)

Follow these simple rules and you'll stay off the Facebook Page,
Awkward Engagement Pictures Rock My Socks. The link for that page is
here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2261419669

Half Asian Babies

2010-07-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

Confession time here at CPR. I must say, of everything that I most enjoy in the world, few can assure my happiness like the sighting of an adorable half Asian baby... I LOVE them. I tend to like most all little/cute things. Baby ducks, kittens w/ tiny hats, otters, that sort of thing. Yet nothing, nothing, can get me like a cute half Asian baby. Full on Asian babies are cute, but the half Asians are lethal. Take our neighbors. She is from Taiwan and he is from... not necessarily sure, but the North American Continent portion that isn't Mexico. They have three children; Skyler, Bryce, and Summer. Skyler and Bryce are pretty funny in their own right, but they are not babies, even though they ARE half Asian. Summer, on the other hand, is almost TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS. Am I gushing? I'm gushing... but if you saw this kid, you'd gush to. She has not yet mastered any form of coherent speech but she is very coordinated and SO smiley. So yes, people, if you see me out and about I will probably be pointing out cute half Asian babies to those who are with me.

Another Mix

2010-06-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

Of all my good qualities (and they are pretty numerous) I will put my taste in music in the top ten. One of the reasons I decided that the Beardocrat and I could be more than friends was his monthly mix of great tunes. Sometimes when he gets lazy, he asks me "guest mix" for him. Some of my classics were May 2009, August 2009, February 2010, and let us not forget April 2010. I've decided in leu of anything to rant about I will post his mixes for your enjoyment. Download May 2010 here.

Confessions of a Pen Thief

2010-06-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, I will freely admit that I have a problem. I began to notice this gradually, but today I can admit (with surprisingly clear conscience you may note) that I AM a pen thief. I noticed recently that whenever I go to church, I leave with one pen... return with that pen + 1. Once, when I was getting something in a drive thru (okay, yes, by something I mean donut and by drive thru I mean Krispy Kreme... but just so you know, they weren't for me, I don't even LIKE donuts) I was figuring that our transaction was completed, but the nice lady was still standing in the window with hand outstretched. As I looked at her with a confused shrug/wrinkled forehead face (I have perfected this look)and she said flatly, "My pen?" How embarrassing... I'd nearly stolen a pen from Krispy Kreme. Today, came the final chapter in my pen thievery. I ran across the street for a bagel (apparently my lunch, the orange, and 2 90 cal granola bars just WEREN'T sufficient today) and as I was walking away with bagel in hand, I noticed I had a pen as well. I thought, "That is odd, I didn't BRING a pen with me, nor did I sign anything..." And then I remembered. The lady was showing me something ON my receipt and I literally snatched the pen from her hand and made for the exit.
Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. Do I love pens? Not particularly. And if I AM a thief why can't I steal something valuable that has some resale potential? The Beardocrat would probably offer some theories into my psyche, but I will give you the latest self discovery. Apparently I like to have something in my hands. At all times. I did not know this about myself but it is true. It is either a pen, a phone, a scrap of paper, the Beardocrat's hand. I just like to have my hands full of stuff. So be for warned folks. Your pens are not safe if my grabby hands and I are near.

Ah, How I've Missed You

2010-06-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Lost Is Over

2010-06-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I don't like Lost. Most of you know this. I only keep up to ridicule those I love about their bizarre obsession with the show. I don't have issues with the fantasy of the thing. I've been known to get into the odd sci fi series or two... but I do take issue with cheap writing. I like to tease Lost fans about how the 'writers' (term used LOOSELY... trust me) have strung them along for an epically silly let down finale.

Seriously? All you need is love? THAT is the big take away? What a joke. And EVERYONE gets to heaven? Despite the fact that who have a group of murderers, thieves, adulterers, the list goes on and on, all seven deadlies are covered. But enough about that.

I normally wouldn't waste a precious post on Lost except for since the finale I have been having the most vivid dreams about how the show SHOULD have ended. Last night I had my fourth Lost Finale dream and thought I should share. This latest version included David Boreanez (that is right, of Angel and Buffy fame) having a tender goodbye scene with Kate. Apparently he'd been on the Island the whole time and now that they'd escaped back to real real life (not fake real life, like on the Actual Lost Finale) he had to go "take care of some things". Imagine he said this as cryptically as possible. To be fair to their dream acting, it was pretty stellar. Much better than the strange AND out of character/not properly built up goodbye scene between Kate and Jack during the Actual Lost Finale or ALF as it will henceforth be known. He then goes to some secret society that features robes, chanting, tribal tattoos. Here we discover that Sawyer, Jack, and Locke (real Locke, not Jacob's Nemesis Locke) are trapped on the Island and forced to fight each other Mortal Combat style. Weird Robed Society, Mr. Boreanez in particular, are controlling them and the island. Sadly, before any of the carefully set up conflict had resolved itself I woke up.

This dream joins the dream where everyone worked on the Island and it was a vacation resort a la that summer Saved By The Bell Season where people worked at a country club. The Island wasn't evil at all and everyone had really fun jobs. Kate and her parents ran a bed and breakfast. I believe Sawyer was a tour guide. It also joins the dream where Hurley was evil and had a secret base of operations where he controlled the evil Island. You had to get there via secret swimming pool entrance, and somehow Locke was trapped in a Volcano with Miles. I know. I am a vivid dreamer. But I am confident that ANY of my dreams would have been more plausible and better set up than the ALF.

Internet Etequette 101: Class 2 Part B

2010-05-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes... the worst has happened. You and snookums have broken up. How could your three week passion burn out so quickly, especially after you plastered pictures of the two of you on every social media site you know, and dedicated several blog posts describing each romantic encounter in great detail? Ah, the great mysteries of life. Now is the time to regroup with a dose of IE 101. We will address this topic from the following angles, a 'good' break up, and a 'bad' break up.

The Good Break Up Scenario... right
Yes, I am skeptical but there are people that insist that some break ups are 'mutual' and sometimes there are 'no hard feelings'. Again, right. But if you are one of the .000001 % of the population that has actually parted on good terms, here are the dos and do nots to guide you during that awkward transition phase.
Dos
1- Respect the person's privacy.
This may be done by NOT stalking their blog and commenting on it. Same goes for facebook. Why? You ask. Well let me remind you, that moving from dating to being Just Friends, is not like being a normal Just Friends. You are always going to be the ex girl/boyfriend and whether or not you intend anything untoward, other people look at this and either think you can't let go, or that you are a stalker.
2-Be polite, but give proper space.
Since there are no good guys or bad guys in your hypothetical romance gone awry. There is no reason for you to be unkind or smothering. Even if this WAS a bad break up... there is no reason to be uncivil. Don't use social media as an outlet to analyze why your relationship didn't work out. Sure, the vulgarly curious will read the details (guilty) but ultimately relationships should never be public domain, and your take on things won't often mirror your ex's take on things.
Don'ts
1- Email/Text your 'friend' 24/7
You broke up! There is no reason to keep communication so open. If you work together, limit correspondence to work related matters. If you play on a sports team and need to send texts to everyone to remind them about this week's Ultimate Frisbee Tournament (I use 'sport' lightly and threw that UF in because the Beardocrat loves him some frisbee) by all means send it, but don't get personal. Chances are you probably have mutual friends (seeing that you decided to stay friends and not burn bridges all together... that is the only scenario I can imagine where this would indeed be a friendly parting) and combine group activities. That is okay, but don't try to slip in the "So are you dating anyone?" line.
2-Facebook flirty comments.
Basically the ONLY reason you would do this is to keep other people away or sabotage future relationships. Don't do this. It is immature and not worthy behavior for anyone.
3-Continue trying to 'friend' all of your ex's friends and family.
There is no need. That portion of your life is over. Let it go. Please, let it go.

The Bad Breakup Scenario... or as I like to call it, reality.*
So one of you wanted to hang on. One of you wanted to let go. One of you cheated on the other. One of you was a dirty rotten liar. One of you was only using the other. One of you was a con artist and/or bigamist. Yes, break ups can get ugly. Even if you were the innocent party to a horrifying break up (hardly likely, but okay, I am feeling generous today). Here are the dos and do nots to show you how to proceed with both class and dignity.
Dos-
1-Remove him/her as a friend on facebook.
It is okay. It happens. No one with think less of you. You can also remove his/her family members and his/her friends that have no link or actual relationship to you except via your ex.
2-BE POLITE
I really have to stress this because I find that people use the internet to be the biggest jerks to one another. Sure, some of you are saying, but aren't YOU a jerk for judging these poor people... yes, and no. I have what I believe is a standard for behavior, which I inflict on myself and honestly think the world would be a better place if other people behaved this way, but at the end of the day, MANY of my friends and acquaintances will not. Do I hate them? No. Do I publicly and/or personally attack them? No. This is why I stress being polite. If you go around using the internet to viciously attack your ex and air a list of grievances... well, it kind of makes YOU a jerk.
Don'ts
1- Post horrible things about your ex, his/her new girlfriends, or his/her friends and family online.
There is no reason to make an ugly break up even uglier. There is also no reason to be hurtful or humiliating to other people. IF your ex's current girl/boyfriend contacts you to clarify certain things that happened in your relationship, it is up to your discretion how to respond. If I were presented with this dilemma, I would try to respond dispassionately and unemotionally only about the facts.
2- Try to get everyone 'on your side' by telling your story all over town.
Chances are this only makes you look bad, and only shows that you are obsessed. Sure, you are going to want to let your good friends in on what happened. And sure, this might be a major help in getting over the whole fiasco, but the minute your find yourself going on at length to any mutual acquaintance about what a loser he/she is citing private relationship information, you've crossed a very clear line and you need to, Again. LET. IT. GO.
*In the event that your breakup was the result of Physical, Sexual, or Emotional abuse, or if these things were part of your relationship, seek the proper legal authorities and therapy.

My Break Up Story
Lest you think that I am all sorts of on my high horse without any experience in this matter. Let me share a little story with you about my own life. I was once dating this guy. He had a beard. He had artsy square glasses. Happily, he did not wear skinny jeans. This young (ish) man and I had a lot in common. 1-Love of obscure music 2- Aversion to marshmallows 3- Attachment to mountains. Were we MFEO? Yes, most certainly we were. Did I tell the world on facebook and my blog? Hades no! I am a private person. Well, this bearded paragon and I came to the point in our relationship where it was time to part ways. I'd parted ways with lots of people (granted, none with beards) and I thought I knew how it would play out. I had my escape plan-
1- Write lots of angry cryptic chick rock/folk music featuring various aspects of the relationship, but vague enough, and with catchy enough choruses to not OBVIOUSLY be about the Beardocrat. Check.
2- Delete him from my gchat contacts. Check.
3- Hide him on facebook and NOT go looking at his page. Check.
4- Stop reading his blog. Check.
Here is where it got tricky. The Beardocrat and I lived a stone's throw away from one another. We had mutual friends that we'd acquired as a couple. We were involved in the same church. A bunch of his friends and relatives had added me on facebook and vice versa. What to do and how to proceed? Well, I had my plans for 4-6 months after the breakup.
5- 4 months out do the grand 'friend purge' and get rid of his friends/family.
6- Limit social interactions with friends who I considered more His than Mine. This proved complex since we had friends that we'd met separately before we were dating.
7- Avoid locations where I knew the Beardocrat would show up.
8-Never, ever, EVER, speak negatively about the Beardocrat to anyone.
9-6 Months out, move to another location. That way I could THEN delete him as a friend and the relationship would truly be over, harmoniously.
Sure, it didn't exactly work out that way. The Beardocrat and I got married, instead. But, you can ask ANY of our friends and they will assure you that NEITHER I or my ex ex (current husband) enacted our mini drama in the public eye. That is why our friends and families welcomed when we got back together, and were excited when we got married. So folks, it can be done. You too can break up without being an idiot. Good luck.

Cookie Jar

2010-04-27T14:50:00.001-07:00

Yes, this is a picture of the actual cookie jar that I own. He is a moose and he is holding a teddy bear while wearing a scarf. There is a Christmas package in his other hand. To finish, he is wearing a Santa hat. Yes, I am aware how ridiculous my cookie jar is, and unlike every other inanimate object in my life (car, lap top, guitar, etc) the cookie jar does not have a special name. When I initially acquired said jar, I did it only to infuriate several aunts who had their eye on it in one of those gift exchange/steal the gift games at a family party. I, personally, thought the cookie jar was ridiculous. I also never make cookies, so therefore highly impractical for my every day life... yet, I have to admit that there is something about this little moose that I have become ridiculously attached to. Even though the cookie jar rarely holds cookies (and when he does, the poor design only allows for a few cookies to actually sit in the jar without getting smushed by the lid) I insist on putting him prominently on my counter top. One day I'll get rid of him... but not any day soon.

Internet Etequette 101: Class 2 Part A-Dating

2010-04-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

Okay kids, it is time for another class. This time we will be focusing on Dating which is why we need a part A and B to address the romance and inevitable break up and how to conduct yourself throughout with both dignity and class.

Dating:

Yes, young love is in the air and of course you want to share it with the world, namely your 742 bestest friends from facebook, and what better way than to update your status, update your profile picture, and write gushy/semi salacious comments on your significant other's wall...

Sadly the internet has taken romance back light years to Jr. High when you thought everyone cared that you had held hands on your local school bus. No one cared then, and most of your 742 friends are not interested now. Here are some handy guidelines for internet usage while you are dating.

Rule #1: State you are indeed 'In a relationship'

I feel that it is best practice to let people know that you are in a relationship, especially if you use social networking sites to troll for men/women. This is up front, honest and pertinent information. You are not required to tell us who you are dating, if you don't feel like it. I was mutual friends with a couple who had dated and been dating for a few years. They never felt the need to update, most of their friends knew who they were dating and according the the male half of said relationship "Anyone who doesn't know who my girlfriend is, is probably someone who I wouldn't want stalking her on facebook, anyway." Conversely, I knew another couple who were dating, she blissfully announced who she was dating, but he never had the courtesy to update his status to show that he was dating her. I think we all see where I am going with this. He would add friends continually and did not want them to know that he was off the market... crash, and burn, to that touching relationship.

Rule #2: Do not post pictures of 'The Kiss'

We SO don't care. My friend has a theory (which I sadly witnessed first hand at a production of Fiddler on the Roof, recently) that only ugly people engage in over-the-top PDA--when I say over the top, let me clarify, anything that would be inappropriate to do in front of children, or your grandma. A nice kiss here and there, some hand holding, the ole arm around... no harm there. But when you are going beyond that level, you have something to prove. Just like the uglies, making out to show that they could, indeed, find someone to mate with. Congrats to them, but not something I want to watch-- Therefore, don't update your profile pic to a gratuitous picture of the two of you kissing. You are trying too hard, and yes, I am judging you.

Rule #3: Keep it simple and don't reveal 'Too Much Information'

We've established at this modern day and age everyone has a blog and everyone wants to share every single detail with the world... when you are dating, this is tricky. Sure, you've just met that special guy/girl who convinces you that you don't utterly hate humanity as a whole, and you want to share that. I get it, and I hate to crash the wonderful bubble which you and 'the one' have insulated yourselves against reality, but most relationships do not work out. I'd give you a statistic, but most statistics are manipulated, and I think more of you, dear regular readers of CPR, than that. Just trust me, of the people I dated, was interested in, stalked, was stalked by, etc, I only ended up marrying one of them... and that is as it should be. Using the assumption that you are all reasonable adults and would one day like to settle down with ONE person hoping that it works out, I say, use some common sense people. Show some respect for yourself and that future ONE PERSON by not plastering your blog, facebook, twitter etc with information about your current boyfriend/girlfriend that no one needs or wants to know. Please, do not ask for examples, because I could rip them from blogs and status pages and it would be embarassing to both you and I. Just trust me on this one. Less is more. Personal things should probably go to that personal recepticle you call your 'journal' or your 'poetry notebook' or your 'angry chick guitar ballads' (yes, I am talking about myself here). Leave the rest of your image nice and clean for any other person who might want to date you in the future when you and snookie pie inevitably break up.

I have been posed several questions that I will touch on but that didn't merit specific rules.

What about internet dating?

I honestly have no idea. I have never found the need myself, though understand why others have chosen that avenue. I would be highly skeptical of ANY information listed on any dating site including/but not limited to profile pictures and liberal use of the phrase 'athletic physique'. Be cautious, and above all, discriminating.

Should I add my girlfriend's family as friends?

Ummm... I wouldn't, but depending on the situation it might be 100% okay to add or accept friendship invitations from the family of the person you are dating. Just be aware, we will be addressing this during part B.

Is facebook/blog/twitter stalking acceptable?

Hmm... I am torn. On the one hand, knowledge is power, on the other, seeking that knowledge makes you look desperate, but you might be desperate so it is really your call. I think people fall into the trap of LIVING via the new social media/networking as opposed to having real conversations with people face to face, and I think that is dangerous. I think we lose something in a relationship when you are having a casual conversation with someone who you have previously stalked and you ask "What is your favorite book?" already knowing from various stalkings that it is none other than Peyton Manning's new tell all football book. It just seems contrived and false. That being said, I love nothing better than facebook stalking people that I am not even remotely interested in because then I never have to bother hearing about the Paris vacation. I have seen the pics and read their blog. Done and done.

Stay tuned for Part B. I have also enlisted some guest bloggers to go through what an engagement should look like, and also usage in the professional sphere.

A New Member of The Family

2010-04-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, this little guy is the newest member. I am an amateur photographer at best. I once took a photo of the Beardocrat's eye that was AMAZING... perhaps I should post it for your enjoyment... but realistically I like to separate the professionals from the hobbyists. Prepare to be angered but it is the truth.

There are the professionals... this guy for example. Not only is he super talented and a nice guy, but he is a professional. He gets paid good money for what he does and he is in demand. Photography is his talent, and his passion. He knows technique and is more than just a person with a nice camera who can focus and adjust the aperture or F stop.

Then there are the amateurs (I'd link to my cousin's blog, but her feelings would be hurt if she should stumble upon this). Amateurs have nice cameras, know how to tinker a bit, and have a passion for photography. I have no problems with this. I think it is actually great to see the world as a beautiful place and want to capture that. I, myself, am somewhat lower than an amateur. I am actually going to take a photography class to elevate myself to amateur status.

My disdain arises when amateurs try to pass themselves off as professionals. Anyone can set up a blog these days and I could show you dozens of websites composed of amateurs that are charging for professional photography services. Again, I have no problems with people taking pictures of their friends kids as a favor, or taking pics at a wedding as a favor, but when people start charging for a sub par product... my ire (yes ire) is unleashed. (Big Steve, how much did you charge to take the pictures for the Tabiona High School Prom in the early 80s? For shame! At least, I hope you charged...)

Nutella

2010-04-01T08:30:00.001-07:00

My enemy... my friend. *sigh

Guyliner?

2010-03-30T12:22:00.001-07:00

The other evening, I had an interesting conversation with the Beardocrat. It was about the pictured individual, who I liked to call "Mayor of the Town". Many of the people I know have a sick fixation with Lost and so I tease them relentlessly. (I was writing an open letter to the writers of Lost, but I figure that they were probably to busy breaking all the rules of middle school creative writing fundamentals to bother with my humble epistle, so I have yet to post THAT on this blog.) A friend pointed out a hilarious blog that I have been reading in order to supplement my Lost knowledge and I found last week's post about the Mayor of the Town's background to be hysterical. But I digress, the Beardocrat and I were talking and he said that the Mayor of the Town IS a good actor, and I said that he'd been in tons of stuff, but when pressed I could come up with nothing. So today, I journeyed into the depths of IMDB and discovered that Mayor of the Town has a name, and it is Nestor. He starred as the Mayor in the Major Motion Picture Dark Knight.

During my investigations IMDB informed me that his trade mark is "very dark eyes". Why I find that funny... I have no idea he even had the audacity to claim that, " not only does he not wear eyeliner, mascara, or makeup of any kind to make his lashes and eye line appear as dark as they do, but the makeup artists for "Lost" actually use concealer on his lashes and under his eyes to try to tone down the natural darkness of his eye line." He even said his dark lashes caused him much distress as a child... So what is your verdict... guyliner or 'very dark eyes'.

Why I am Done with the Festival of Colors

2010-03-29T16:01:00.001-07:00

What is the Festival of Colors, you ask? It is apparently a religious ceremony of my Krishna friends. I've gone for a couple years now, but this year I decided that I am breaking up with the Festival for good. Why, you ask? Well, here we go.

1) this is a religious ceremony, attended by about 98 % college students who are there to get rowdy and throw colored corn starch on one another. Inevitably, every year I attended, some ridiculous (dare I say, UVU student) kid would be disrespectful and start throwing color well before the appropriate time in the ceremony.

2) the weather is usually not the warmest which means that you kind of freeze.

3) each and every BYU/UVU student comes and each brings a car. Hence parking is a total joke. I discovered early on that the freeway was no way to go, and would arrive via hwy 6... but you still have to park miles out and march in.

4) I am no longer 25. I find that since I've seen the spectacle a few times, it is basically the same thing every year.

So, goodbye, Holi Festival. It was real. I still support you. I still think people should attend to see what it is about and learn a bit if they can, but I just won't be there.

Girls' Night Out

2010-03-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Pre marriage I never really understood the point. I lived with girls from the second I left the Latin Fury's nest ( the Latin Fury and I are conspicuously the only females in my immediate family). We had night ins all the time. Why would I need to go out with them, too? Girls' Nights Outs* were the kind of thing that girls who were obsessed with their boyfriends and spent every waking minute with them needed to do when their boyfriends a) went out of town or b) were infected with The March Madness. At least that is what I thought.

But I would like to pose a question: Have YOU ever tried watching a theatrical musical performance with a Bearded Man whose interest in musicals is limited and best (and hostile at worst???)? Let me assure you, sometimes the Girls are needed to fully appreciate the joy that is FOTR.

* the punctuation choice clearly shows that there are multiple girls and the night belongs to them

Five Years and Going Strong

2010-03-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is five years and going strong. But not living strong like those cheap yellow bracelets. Remember those? What ever happened to that trend? I am referring to my journey into the world of blogging. It all started in 12 March 2005. And what a lovely 5 years it has been. I feel like an auspicious event like this should have some sort of best of, or some sort of favorite commentator award... but I got nothin'. I was looking back over the old blog and seeing how much my perspective has changed since I began this blogging adventure. I've grown a little older, a smidgen wiser (but I must admit, I felt pretty wise when I started this thing), but have decided that I am not a cynic, I'm a realist. Ah, the enlightenment that comes after five narcissistic years of throwing out my mundane thoughts to the world. And by world, I mean CPR's two regular readers.

Will Yulissen

2010-03-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

So I got an interesting email yesterday from Will, according to the subject line, we are long lost friends. I was intrigued, because I know all of my long lost friends (most of them lost for very specific reasons) and there isn't a Will Yulissen in the bunch.

I am about to post the whole subject of said email, but a little back ground is in order. I work for the State Government. Recently our division has undergone some pretty (how can one say ill advised politely?) interesting changes. The current head of the division has zero experience in actually working for State Government and comes from a lobbyist back ground. Do not get me started on lobbyists, that is another story for another time... her two right hand men also have little experience in the public service realm. At any rate, on our secure intranet, we used to have a comment box where people could anonymously vent their frustrations. I wasn't a regular reader because I have other things to do at work... (Blog, perchance?) but my friend often would tell me to go check out something in the box. The comments were mostly ridiculous, but every now and then there was some gem that brightened my day. Several months ago the comment box suddenly disappeared with a very special note from upper management that said it was too negative. Ah... I laughed. I will now enclose the email from Will.

Hello!
We are a group of workers that have come together under a common goal. For many years we have enjoyed our jobs. Some of us have been here long enough to remember paper and some of us have recently arrived. We are very aware of the suffering economy and the challenges it creates and we whole-heartedly applaud management’s gallant effort to navigate our department through treacherous waters of change. Indeed, we are grateful for our jobs and the comforts and stability they provide.
However, it has come to our attention that some workers are not happy. In fact, we have heard that many workers have experienced worry, stress, and illness. For a select few, the stressful environment has been life altering. Why does it seem that some members of management are having difficulty comprehending how miserable we have become? The words “disconnected”, “apathetic”, and “disingenuous” begin to take on new meaning as we try and fathom how dreadful our world has become.
We encourage you to join us in our new effort. Take a moment and anonymously post your concerns on www.dwscommentbox.blogspot.com. We are tired of being afraid to speak out and honestly express ourselves. We are cognizant of the disapproval and maltreatment that comes when authentic concerns are shared. In addition, we are prepared if management decides to block this site because they do not wish to read “pessimism”. Feel free to email us at dwscommentbox@gmail.com and post comments from home if the site becomes restricted.
We genuinely appreciate each of you. We hope that our jobs become manageable soon and promise to do whatever it takes to bring the needed relief. Let us know if you have any questions.
Will Yulissen

Sure enough, I checked and the State had blocked all blog sites! Then later in the day blogs were available again, but not the illusive DWS COMMMENT BOX. Sadly I haven't been able to see "Will's" creation, but I can not wait!

Internet Etiquette 101: Class 1

2010-03-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Ah, the world wide web... all the joys it brings, and all the grossly unimportant information I have gathered during my daily web visits. I like wikipedia even though it isn't a source despite what those sixth graders at the science fair I judged thought on the subject. I like stalking random acquaintances that I don't really care about via facebook. And yes, I love perusing the occasional blog (except for those that have automatic music players. I don't care how great you think your musical taste is, you should not inflict it upon others who are caught unawares). Despite all the joy that the Internet has given me... it has also given me immeasurable sorrow. It pains me, PHYSICALLY PAINS ME, when I see people who use the anonymity of the internet to share too much information... and trust me, there is such a thing as too much info.

Some friends and I were recently talking about this and we have decided that an Internet Etiquette class should be taught as soon as children can get their chubby fingers on the keyboard (I am referring to my own finger girth as I child, I do not pretend to know anything about the finger girth of my two regular readers... hi Mom). Sincerely, this is a topic for which I have VERY strong opinions and could go on and on and on. Happily for you, I will not. Every now and again class will be in session and we will be studying varying aspects of what IS and ISN'T appropriate online.

Today's class: Birth

In this session we will talk about the types of information and pictures that are acceptable to post on facebook/twitter/myspace(does anyone do myspace anymore, ps?) and on your blog.

1- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do I want to see your slimy offspring and their umbilical chord. Never. Under no circumstances is this okay. If you want the pics for your family album to show Uncle Will who comes over for afternoon tea... whatever. But DO NOT POST those things online. I could give you many logical and illogical reasons, but let us settle on this, your slimy baby is gross.

2- NO UPDATES VIA FACEBOOK STATUS MENTIONING ANATOMICAL ISSUES RELATED TO BIRTH. That is right, the words centimeters, and diameters, and ovulation, should be omitted. The only one that cares is your husband/boyfriend, your mom, and maybe your nosey aunt. Limit those facts to them. The rest of us will be fine without that information. Also, the decision to breast feed or not to breast feed is a private one which I don't need to read about.

In lieu of doing falling into errors 1 and 2, here are some acceptable and appropriate alternatives.

a)Pictures of the happy birth AFTER everyone is cleaned up and appropriately clothed.

b)Pictures of the baby looking cute a few weeks after birth (again with clothes, we will be teaching a special session for all you mommy blogger offenders out there titles, THIS KID WILL GROW UP: BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS/HER PRIVACY NOW).

c)Birth announcement posted online. Tasteful picture and pertinent facts, nothing about mommy yelling like a banshee for an epidural.

d)Status update examples.

Sunny Moon Smith was born today at 6:15. She weighed 7 lbs is x amt of inches and everything went well.

The BABY is HERE!

Wahoo- I am a father!

On our way to the hospital to have our 5th kid. You know, the usual.

etc

There you have it folks. Your first class. Please realize that scenarios 1 and 2 are so prevalent that I did not make up or exaggerate the circumstances. I could give you particular instances, but my mother taught me to be a Lady. And in this instance, I will actually try to be one.

Small Towns

2010-02-28T18:58:00.000-08:00

Okay. I was brought up in a SMALL town. A ridiculously small town... a town so small, that your small town would be a bustling metropolis by comparison. If you go to googlemaps and look at the street views of Fruitland, Utah, you will see pictures of sage brush and the odd lake or two. Funny, but entirely accurate. I didn't mind spending my formidable years in a town where there was only one other person my age, or where the neighbors felt the need to alert my parents of any missteps in etiquette and adherence to the speed limit (I forgive you, Mary Baum). As a result my brothers and I are all relatively well adjusted adults with superb imaginations and the inability to be bored.

Even though I currently reside in suburbia (despite our proximity to Yaks and Alpacas), I appreciate the small town ideals with which I was raised. This weekend the Beardocrat and I dropped in on the folks for some birthday cake and some snow shoeing, and I was again reminded of how great my crappy small town is.

My mom is Chiliean (hence the Latin Fury moniker) and a majority of her family lives in Chile. Early Saturday morning the earthquake that hit Concepcion Chile made the news. All day long my parents received calls from concerned neighbors asking if our family was okay. Doug Robinson, who I doubt has spoken a total of ten sentences to my Mom in his whole life, was one of the first to call. THAT is why I love Fruitland. Would I ever return to live? Oh heavens no, but I appreciate a place where people still care enough about others in the community to call or drop by offering sincere condolences. If everyone acted like they were raised in Fruitland, the world would indeed be a better place.

Open Letter

2010-02-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Pigeon-Toed Girls:

Please do not wear skinny jeans and ballet flats.

Love,

Me

PS- Also, if you have a hammer toe... sandals are also a bad idea.

Gum Tester

2010-02-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

On occasion, Okay very often, I love to try the new gum flavors. I can't seem to resist buying a new pack each time I am in the grocery checkout. I have my favorite gum (Orbit! Any of the mint combinations that don't involve a fruit), but I am always curious about the new flavors. As a result I have been burned in the most disgusting ways (I am looking at YOU Orbit Pomegranate, and YOU Exotic Berry). I try to stop, but it is one of the things I love.

A Good Mix

2010-02-17T07:08:00.001-08:00

Continuing my happy-go-lucky theme for February of things I love... good music is right up there on that list, particularly a good mix. You see very lovely artwork for a February 08 mix Bitter/Sweet compiled by the Beardocrat and yours truly (in a limited capacity as the Beardocrat admitted that he was unwilling to pay my hefty consultation fee). Bitter/Sweet represents all that is great in art and Music. The Beardocrat designed the cover work and selected the songs and I still listen to that mix on a regular basis. Happily, you can download the two disk compilation!

Smell of Laundry

2010-02-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

Can I help that the smell of laundry being washed and dried is WONDERFUL? No, I can't. It is the only thing that makes actually DOING laundry bearable. The types of perfumes I enjoy are those that boast of a 'clean linen' smell, or 'mountain spring', or other laundry related scents. When I was little, the Latin Fury would hang the sheets on the line and I would run through just smelling them. I have had to restrain myself somewhat as an adult, but I am sure heaven will smell like someone is doing a load of Laundry with some Spring Fresh detergent/fabric softener.

Nicknaming Things/People

2010-02-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

Yes, I must confess that I love to nickname people, places, and things. Nouns if you will. I was probably born with this particular quirk of character and have been nicknaming since I was a wee one. I've had my own share of nicknames through the years and hope to have more as time passes on. Here is a current list of some of my favorite nicknames.

Potato Face- this nickname serves a) the particular phenomenon of a type of round shaped face. I find it hard to describe but I know it when I see it. It is actually complementary as I also really like potatoes; b) a smallish nursery age child who lives across the street from us and dressed as a vampire for Halloween.

Skindependent- This is a play of the nickname Beardocrat given to my very own Beardocrat to honor his facial hair and political affiliation at the time. Well, he shaved, and became an Independent, so I had to update Brad's ingenious nickname.

Audrby- This is my sister-in-law whose name I didn't know for a long time. I couldn't tell if it was Aubry or Audry, so I combined them... and Wa-la!

Skinny McSkinnerson- This was my nephew's nickname for a while. His brother is Chunky McChunkerson. The joy is, there are no ends to this nickame.

Two face- This is the phenomena that certain actors and regular people of being attractive when looked at from one particular perspective, but from a different angle look fairly ordinary. Examples of the two face are Antonio Banderas, that guy who plays Jack on Lost, and most of the actors the tweens are fawning over these days.

Scandrew/Fandy- This nickname is about a friend ALSO nicknamed Freakishly Tall. Fandy is a shortened Fat Andy, and Scandrew is Skinny Andrew. Fandy was an accident, as this person is not fat and he only goes by Andy when in Smithfield and Fruitland.

The Latin Fury- Technically stewedslacker thought this one up, but it sticks. That name goes out to my own dear madre.

I have a whole list of work nicknames, church nicknames, and friend nicknames. But those are for another place and another time.

Owls

2010-02-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

This might come as a bit of a shock to you, but I adore owls. Yes. I do. I have no idea why. Once in fifth grade I wrote an epic masterpiece called "Owls". It was pretty much paraphrased information from the encyclopedia, but I thought it was genius. I particularly like these little ones (and those on the night skiing billboard).

Bionic Eyes

2010-02-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

Lasik Hurt. Anyone who says it doesn't didn't have their cornea burned off. That being said, the bionic eyes are wonderful. WONDERFUL.

Hound's Tooth

2010-02-04T11:47:00.001-08:00

Yes, I love me some Hound's Tooth material. I am going to be honest. I do not recall owning (or ever having owned) anything made from Hound's Tooth. But as far as material names go, Hound's Tooth wins every time. Say it to yourself. Hound's Tooth. Hound's tooth... it just rolls off the tongue. And where did it originate? Scotland. Go Scots! Not only do you bring Paisely and Tartan to the mix, you also gave us Hound's Tooth.

You Can Take the Girl Out of Fruitland...

2010-02-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

But you can't take Fruitland out of the girl... I promise. I HEART Patsy Cline, and all Classic Country Music. Yes, CLASSIC. Nothing (much) after 1980 strikes my country fancy. But in honor of Valentine's Day I am posting about things that make me smile.

Public Enemy No. 1: Family Window Decals

2010-01-26T08:08:00.001-08:00

Frankly speaking, I don't care how many people are in your family. And I don't care about Snickerdoodle, the family dog. I am also not interested in your hobbies. In the spirit of pure mischievousness, the Beardocrat once suggested we get the Apple Logo and the Hewlett-Packer Logo to respectively show the divisions within our own little union. Happily, he was only joking. I don't know who started this annoying trend, but I will welcome the day that it stops.

Tales From The Supermarket Pt. 3

2010-01-11T10:10:00.001-08:00

Occasionally I care about the environment. Not all the time and not consistently, but I am a conservationist so every now and again I think of what I can do to make the world a better place. I also hate the plastic bags they give you at the grocery store. These two thoughts combined into a brilliant plan... I would purchase a few eco safe bags and problem solved! Right?

Wrong. Oh, I bought the bags and they are great... so great that I have never actually taken them with me when I go grocery shopping, and it has been over a month. For a while they lived in my pantry. Then, at the suggestion of a kindly Beardocrat, I moved them to the car in the hopes that I would actually remember to use them. I haven't been shopping since they actually made their way to the car. Here is hoping that one day, these bags will actually see the inside of the supermarket.

2010

2010-01-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

For the first post of 2010 I'd like to relate an experience I had last evening. I was at the gym treadmilling away, kind of angry that one of my headphones decided to abandon me on mile 2, and annoyed that the place was packed. January is always like this at the gym. All those people with their good intentions to shed those holiday pounds. September is like that as well, because the students come back and forget that they are going to stop working out after two weeks when it gets in the way of their studies, flirting, tv watching... you know, life stuff. But enough about September, back to 2010. I have been able to note these ebbs and flows because I became a gym member back in 2006. Up until decently recently I went 6 days a week, sometimes twice in one day. Then recently hit...

And all the sudden I realized, I am one of them! I AM ONE OF THE JANUARY GYM PEOPLE!!! So help me. At my peak, back in my physical peak (April 2008, pre Lasik Surgery) I weighed in at 132 (not ashamed) solid muscle. Oh that is right. Solid. Muscle. Regular readers of CPR might be surprised to note that I was the proud posessor of 17 body fat percentage. Yeah. That is athlete range for females. ATHLETE. Are you with me people? I was the bees knees! I was 'the stuff'. I WAS A CONTENDER, for crying out loud! My personal trainer, Sgt. Kelly (love name) called me 'The Athletic One".

Oh how far we descend. Look at me now, huffing away with the January gym people firmly resolved to come regularly and shed my holiday pounds. Stg. Kelly would be very angry. Lets see what a few good months of Kelly style workouts will do.

I hope this doesn't mean I will have to give up the cookies...

Utah Hair

2009-12-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have a hairdresser (brief pause for laugh track). Yes, my hairdresser is from Utah and says that as a result she can't help but rat up the hair. I call this phenomenon Utah Alien Hair and I am not sure why people like it... but they seem to. THEN (yes, the plot thickens) I heard about this little product. Seriously. Bumpits. I am shaking my head as we speak. Doesn't that last girl look like she stepped straight out of the University Mall?

One World....

2009-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently embraced vegetarianism. I have nothing against vegetarianism. Nor do I have anything against veganism. Militant veganism; however, is another story for another time. I am not sure if whilst embracing vegetarianism he also thought he might embrace some other isms... but for whatever the reason, he decided to eat at the One World Cafe. Here is his properly scathing review.

"okay, I have returned. And I think that restaurant is the embodiment of liberalism. And it fails. The selection was extremely poor, the food bland. They guilt tripped me into paying more for the food than it was worth (so that they can afford to feed the poor), And I left hungry. I stopped off at this incredible gourmet bakery, just so I could feel full. The bakery, probably embodies conservatism. The selection was huge, the prices were low, I bought way more than I can eat, and am now so full of whip cream that I am sick."

Christmas Carol it Ain't

2009-12-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

What has me so incensed that I would use the colloquialism ain't, you ask? Well, Christmas is upon us, which I adore, by the way. But now the Christmas music is ALSO upon us, and trust me, not all Christmas music is created equal. Here I am mentally referencing that God forsaken 8 month period when my roommates played the 98 Degrees Christmas album throughout the entire 8 months rain or shine. Alas, moving on. One song that I often hear at Christmas time annoys (I had infuriates typed up here, but that is far too strong a word) is "My Favorite Things" via that classic musical The Sound Of Music.

Not only is this song NOT a Christmas song, I can't even determine how it came to BE a Christmas song. Initially, in the original stage production, this song is sung by Maria to Mother Superior when she is leaving to be a governess. Most people are more familiar with the movie version where she sings it to calm the children during a thunder storm. In no instance does this song take place at Christmas or even in Winter. Let us dissect the lyrics.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens -no illusion to Christmas here
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens - mittens, not solely worn during Christmas
Brown paper packages tied up with strings - she says 'packages' not GIFTS, people
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels -nothin'
Door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles - sleighs are how they got around
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -nothing Christmassy here
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes - nope
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes - this references winter
Silver white winters that melt into Springs - ah, but we move away into Spring
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites - No
When the bee stings - Also no
When I'm feeling sad - Who knows?
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

So please, strike this one from your Christmas Carolling List. In a related story. A few weeks ago The Beardocrat and I were watching some previews. Along came a preview for a Christmas movie and the Beardocrat muttered, "Man, Christmas is in peril a LOT." I agree.

Google Wave: All the Cool Kids Have It...

2009-11-30T15:07:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if that is strictly true, but I have had a nonstop conversation today via the internet about googlewave. (how can I converse all day and still manage to be hard at work? well... it is complicated, you wouldn't understand) You will notice that I am utilizing two different spellings as I am not sure which is correct and I like to cover my bases. So everyone keeps telling me about their invites to googlewave. I shrug. I sigh. I meh. I hate technology. Everyone knows this. I have certainly mentioned it enough. Remember this? Or this? How about this? Okay, that last one was just a jaunt down memory lane. But really, I am not interested in technology.

Yet, this googlewave thing took me back to when I received my invitation to gmail. That is right, back when you had to be invited. Sure my life didn't change immediately after being invited to gmail by this guy, but change it did. Without gchat how would I ever keep up on the love lives of various people who require my constant guiding hand? How would my friend Smithfieldman tell me he received his Google Wave invite this very day? Or how would I ask my own beloved Beardocrat if he had been invited to Google Wave and find out he had!?

Now this puts me in an interesting position... to despise technology and be better than technology is one thing... but to not be cool enough to be invited to technology is quite another. And I find I am torn. The Beardocrat, who has a passionate love of all things technological and gadgety, tried to placate me by telling me he doesn't think it will be all that cool. He then assured me that he just got his invite today... and that 'if I wanted' he'd send me one. Regular readers of CPR will realize at this point in our gchat I will be skeptically furrowing my eyebrows and pursing my lips. He'll send me an invite, will he?

And via the technology that is gchat I cut paste you the exciting conclusion to my googlewave envy google: "Invitations will not be sent immediately. We have a lot of stamps to lick. " So it may be a while. Yeah, thanks for nothing, google.

Billboards: The Commercials of Utah's Highways

2009-11-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

I live with someon e who has two business cards. One says Art Director, and his latest says Creative Director (can we say a little pretentious??? You direct CREATION... What?). Yes, he hasn't switched jobs, and it is for the same company. I shake my head and don't ask questions. That was pretty much the philosophy with which I approached advanced math [(s) if you're British]. Long story continuing to be long... he is what people would consider 'good at art'. For this reason I believe he HATES billboards. And when I say HATES in all caps, I mean he REALLY HATES billboards. He mentions it often, and recently has been talking about city/county ordinances against billboards. Those of you who know me (Hi Latin Fury) often accuse me of disliking things strongly for no good reason, and maybe I do... but the Beardocrat's hatred of billboards still slightly mystifies me.

Innocently I pointed out the billboard for Sundance's Night Skiing in order to demonstrate that not all billboards were crimes against art and humanity. Said billboard features two adorable owls. Oh, look. there they are. Adorable, right? I mean, one hates to gush but I really like me some owls. The Beardocrat would not yield, he said that billboards are the commercials of Utah's highways. And no matter if a commercial is well done or no, it is still a commercial. Well, I hate commercials. So 1 point to directors of art and creation everywhere.

A Walking Tour of My Neighborhood

2009-11-16T20:24:00.001-08:00

I Am Not Afraid of Swine Flu

2009-11-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

That is right. I said it. I think everyone is over reacting about swine flu. Check out the graph. It shows deaths in the last (or semi recent) 300 day period and their causes. Swine Flu ranks right above leprosy. Yes, that is right Leprosy. It ranks under Malaria, TB AND Dengue Fever (yes, I had the Dengue. It wasn't pleasant, but I am alive to tell the tale) in the communicable diseases category. Now I know someone who contracted BOTH Leprosy and Swine Flu and lived. Sure, she didn't get them at the same time... but the moral of the story is the same. All these people freaking out and rushing to get vaccinated and crying because they can't get in for something that kills less people than diarrheoal in a 300 day period. Yes, LESS than the runs people. So please. Take a step back to rationality and realize that the Swine Flu is just another sickness.

In case you are wondering, No, I will not get the Swine Flu vaccine, and no, I will not use Purel every four seconds, and no, I will not die of the Swine Flu, even if I get it. I survived Dengue people, and that kills far more the the Swine Flu.

Trunk or Treat

2009-10-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have never been a big trick or treater. Blame the Latin in me, but I find it highly strange to go door to door essentially BEGGING for candy... from strangers no less. I have never actually been trick or treating in my life. True. I have attended many a Halloween party, carnival, or other events that involve haunted houses and throwing pumpkin shaped bean bags at targets. I even highly approve of dressing up. Trick or treating; however, is another story.

On the 24th I will be attending my first Trunk or Treat. I guess the philosophy is that you park in a parking lot and everyone just rushes by really quickly and you give the kids candy... okay. This seems even MORE wrong than trick or treating. So help me, if you are going to be begging for tootsie rolls that I bought with my hard earned money, you are going to have to freeze going door to door all evening and WORK for it. I highly suspect that on the 24th I will give the trunk or treaters enough candy to sicken them and then on the 31rst they will ALSO appear at my door expecting MORE treats. This is getting ridiculous and I ask, where will it end? Next year will I be required to go door to door and give the children candy in the comfort of their own homes?

Elevator

2009-09-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

There is this elevator at work that is my enemy. I call him Number 3. There are three elevators, none of them are numbered, but this one is all alone on one wall while the others are close together--they are Juanita and Sally. I have once been trapped in Number 3 for over 4 minutes. No one called the fire department and there was no way to alert anyone... eventually it just started moving as though nothing was wrong. Number 3 is highly unreliable. You get in and the doors remain open and never close. You can push the close door button but that doesn't seem to work. I have perfected the trick of hopping once you get inside. For some reason if you hop, then the doors will close. I think this is just a power struggle game that Number 3 is playing with me and by our history I judge number 3 is winning. He just sits there while I hop around and look like an idiot to all the other passengers. Recently the facilities maintenance people said that the elevators were going to be renovated. I was thrilled. For two whole days Number 3 was out of commission. I got to work the other morning and entered this newly renovated elevator. Verdict: All they did was change the carpet! Number 3 is as ridiculous as ever. Just one more reason to take the stairs.

Your kid CAN go one hour without eating

2009-08-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by yesterday's church attendance. Oh, I know, I know... generally it isn't considered polite for people to gripe about church, but this has nothing to do with the doctrine or leadership. This has to do with the members. And hey, the church is perfect but the members are most definitely not.

The Scene:
We actually got the third row in an attempt to hear the speaker and maybe concentrate on the talks. Families with tiny children quickly surrounded us. During sacrament the children behind us kept complaining loudly that they wanted a treat... their mother kept saying that they would get their treat after the Sacrament. Sure enough the Deacons hadn't even been released to sit with their families when picnic time erupted and the noise of plastic wrappers, crunchy serials, and children arguing and physically abusing each other over cheerios rang throughout the building drowning out the speakers. This was not only the family sitting behind us, but on all fronts people were breaking out their food.

This is SACRAMENT MEETING people! Not a baseball game. It is symbolic of the greatest act of man and God and you are doling out gummi bears??? This really makes me livid. People with children everywhere are saying (and I can hear you, so don't deny it) "but little (insert name with a y on the end in the diminutive) needs to eat. She/He is hungry." The fact of the matter is little (insert name) does NOT need to eat. Children (even tiny ones) can go two hours without eating. And preschool age children--most of the offenders in my scenario--can go 3-4 hours without food. Imagine that. What a novelty, but not really as I am sure these parents are not stuffing their kids full of treats every 20 minutes when they are on their home turf. It is called planning, people. The LONGEST Sacrament meeting I was ever in went for an hour and forty minutes. Still not long enough for a child to need to eat.

Oh, now I find those of you who will try to convince me that these food bribes help the child behave. Oh, no. I have seen your children 'behaving' before and after the treats. The Latin Fury and Big Steve DID not bribe us with treats or food of any kind during church. It was simply not acceptable. In fact my father had the strict idea that we went to church to "worship, not to have fun" (yes, his own words). No one is going to convince me that a cheerio assists in a child's worship. In addition to not assisting it turns normally charming kids into shameless food panderers.

I beg of you, stop the insanity. Bring your quiet books if you must (though Big Steve did not approve of those either), bring your pictures of the Temple, Jesus, and family members... but do not train your child to think that Sacrament meeting is nothing more than a time to play with Mom and Dad and get graham crackers by the dozen. I realize that many people have their patterns set, but this is a promise: My hypothetical children WILL go without food during Sacrament Meeting.

I Like This Guy

2009-08-19T16:01:00.001-07:00

A Lot.

Buttons

2009-08-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, it has recently been brought to my attention that my personal laziness has reached an all time high (never mind that I am typing this at work...). This epiphany came as a direct result from the following conversation.

The other morning I put on a shirt that I like a lot. The person who resides in the same living space as I, commented "That is a nice shirt... you haven't worn it in a while."

To which I replied, "Yep... because it is missing a button and I am not going to sew on another one."

Now, I am not terribly domestic. I don't do crafts and my home isn't decorated at all. In fact, I detest decorative wreaths (hmmm... a subject of another blog post???) I can; however, sew buttons and not much else. I have found that in order to successfully sew a button one must have both the ability and the motivation. I find I have lacked the motivation to sew this particular button for over six months... and some other buttons as well. Here is a list for your reading pleasure, of clothing that I have ceased to wear because it needs an odd button/clasp or two repaired.

1- Red shirt (the inspiration for this post) requires one tiny decorative button
2- Green shirt two buttons on the back of the neck
3- Blue shirt one button on the back of the neck
4- Brown shoes need a little button sewn back on the right shoe
5- Black dress slacks both clasps
6- Tweed looking dress slacks one secondary button

Afghan Girl

2009-08-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

The reunion between the woman with green eyes and the photographer was quiet. On the subject of married women, cultural tradition is strict. She must not look—and certainly must not smile—at a man who is not her husband. She did not smile at McCurry. Her expression, he said, was flat. She cannot understand how her picture has touched so many. She does not know the power of those eyes.
Such knife-thin odds. That she would be alive. That she could be found. That she could endure such loss. Surely, in the face of such bitterness the spirit could atrophy. How, she was asked, had she survived?
The answer came wrapped in unshakable certitude.
"It was," said Sharbat Gula, "the will of God."

What is Important?

2009-08-11T09:43:00.001-07:00

I read Devil in The White City recently and LOVED it! I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a fleeting interest in history and/or true crime. I learned about Chicago and its coming of age as a stockyard city to a tourist attraction. I also learned about the nut job serial killer H.H. Holmes one of the first documented sociopaths who defied previous definitions of a murderer because there was no implicit motive in many of his murders, even though he did receive financial gain, their method was most bizarre. But above all I learned a lesson about the way people thought then and the way people (read: me) think now.

Daniel Burnham and John Root had been partners and architects in Chicago years before they began organizing the building of what would become known as the World's Columbian Exposition. They had a close friendship. Before the construction of the fair actually got underway John Root contracted pneumonia and died. In the few weeks Root was sick Burnham was constantly at his bedside missing critical time to plan for the fair that already had an unrealistic deadline. I found myself thinking... 'Are you serious? Get back to planning. The guy is dying, you can't do anything there.'

This attitude made me think... what IS important? How do I spend my time? In the larger sense the Columbian Exposition, while pretty cool, wasn't that important in the grander scheme of things. The relationships that we build and maintain are what show us the type of people that we are and where our priorities lie. I would guess that few of today's CEOs would ignore their work if a fellow CEO were ill and bedridden in order to stay at his (yeah, his, no political correctness here, just grammar correctness) bedside. When did this shift occur? When did transient materials become more important than people, to me personally and to society in general? Daniel Burnham, in his way, knew that architecture was steel and stone and fleeting. The site of the World's Columbian Exposition no longer remains. The 'white city' that was conceived in the minds of the greatest architects of that day burnt to the ground. But you can bet that relationship between Burnham and Root DID weather time, distance, and even death because in the end THAT is what was important.

User Review: Cinnamon Roll Pop Tart

2009-07-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Today I ran out of protein bars... for those of you privileged enough to have eaten breakfast or lunch with me any time in the last four years know that generally I eat a protein bar. Specifically the Cliff Builders Bars with 20 g of protein. Yum. My favorite is, of course, the Peanut Butter, but every now and again I like the Chocolate Mint, or the Cookies-n-Cream. Despite what you may hear from Protein Bar Haters, these bars are both filling AND delicious. But enough about one of the loves of my life. Let us proceed to today's topic. The Cinnamon Roll Pop Tart. My verdict...

This Pop Tart does not resemble a cinnamon roll in either appearance or flavor. It is not scrumptious and juicy and dripping in delicious frosting (although the crunchy frosting substitute on top wasn't half bad... it being made solely of plastic and sugar, two things I love). I ate the Pop Tart cold as I eat all Pop Tarts and the cardboardlike texture of the crust was not as comforting as one would think. Next time I run out of protein bars... I will return to the Cinnamon and Brown Sugar Pop Tart, because it tastes like heaven.

FOUND!

2009-07-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

What was once lost is now found thanks to M. Craine, a gentleman and scholar... true story. Let us hear what Mr. Campbell has been up to... in his own words with a little commentary from me, of course...

"I still work for Chemical Lime Company as an Analyst ... the same job that I moved out here for a couple of years ago. I really like my co-workers and my job. Part of my responsibilities include developing the sales budget for the coming year; so July thru September is my busy season ... just getting into it now. Although it is hectic, in a sick way, I love the pressure because it gives me the chance to show my skillz (that's right ... skillz with a 'z'). I come out smelling like a rose (figuratively)
I bought a house down here just over a year ago. It's pretty cool. I live on the south end of fort worth ... only 15 minutes from work in a nice little housing development. The people are super-nice down here. I love the area, and don't have any plans to leave EVER! I am so sorry D.C. that the Texas climate has burned your braincells... I don't have any roommates, live-in girlfriends or pets, so it's just me. I like living alone, but I wonder if I might regret it later ... it will be a BIG adjustment to get used to living with someone again--if it ever comes to that :)
I am attending a singles ward down here; but sometimes I feel like a creepy old guy compared to the young kids around me. It's a little weird, but the people are great. I am currently ward mission leader (sound familiar??? I believe that's how we originally met it was, but I must not have got it right ... they want me to try again). Only in THIS ward, being ward mission leader is a little different ... it actually involves working with the missionaries and investigators / converts. We actually have a baptism coming up on Saturday, and I have to conduct :( I would much rather enjoy the meeting than be involved, but nobody ever asks my opinion!
Dating? Seriously? I thought you knew me!!! I did, but I had to ask, I am nosey. By my count it has been six years since I took a relationship seriously I don't remember that relationship? Does anyone else remember that relationship?. Given my less-than-enthusiastic attitude and non-existent level of effort ... let's just say that I would be suprised (to put it mildly) if a 'personal life' ever develops. Theoretically, I want to be in a relationship: marriage, kids, and whatever ... what do you mean by 'and whatever' Mr. C? but apparently I don't want it bad enough to get off my ass and do anything about it. Maybe T.M.I. I could have been more brief: I'm not dating anyone right now :)"

Where In The World Is David Campbell?

2009-07-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am on a mission. I must find David Campbell. I have been reflecting a lot lately about the past life, and I feel that I just let David Campbell slip into the wilds of Texas without maintaining the friendship. Sure, he didn't talk much. Sure, he had red hair. Sure, he liked Texas... but he had some really nice qualities. No one, absolutely NO ONE was a better BBQer. He was easily led into British Dramas, and was only slightly ashamed. He liked golf. He inspired the use of the full name. So if any of you has any information leading to the whereabouts of David Campbell formerly of BYU, formerly of Mesa AZ, formerly of Richfield UT, formerly of Roosevelt UT... bring him back.

A List: The Good Stuff

2009-06-25T08:05:00.001-07:00

Occasionally at CPR I like to post a list about things that make life good. You can see some old favorites here and here, and oh wait, here. (PS--Thank you, Beardocrat for the technology)

So today, as I sit 'working' I thought it was time for another list of the good stuff:

1- goatlings
2- soft pajama bottoms
3- the smell of a field after a good rain
4- home made granola
5- lazy mornings
6- a good canyon run
7- curling up with a new book, and discovering a good buy
8- gchat
9- four day weekends
10- teasing anyone
11- dancing frogs
12- not answering the phone
13- ground pads
14- fabric dryer sheet scent
15-long summer days
16- 'Songs in the Night' Samantha Crain and The Midnight Shivers
17- wikipedia
18- colors
19- driving with windows down
20- thunder storms
21- purified water
22- holidays
23- matching plates
24- the slide guitar

There are more things, of course, but time runs short.

Tales From the Supermarket Pt. II

2009-06-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently people feel strongly about supermarkets. I know I do. I have tried to stock up on good supermarket karma. I always park far away from the store leaving the closer spots for people with lots of tiny children, and the elderly. I return my shopping cart to the designated areas. I do not leave unwanted items just lying willy-nilly at any part of the store. Despite these good citizen tactics it NEVER FAILS, I always pick the slowest check out lane. Because I AM a good citizen and would never think to hop into an express lane if I had too many items... I try to see which lane is going to be the most effective. I factor in amount of groceries, adeptness of the checker, potential coupon clipper. But honestly, it NEVER FAILS, I will get in a line where they change checkers and the unmotivated pot smoker takes far longer than necessary to scan the items. Of the person in front of me decides to pay with a check, then the check doesn't check out, so off to customer service. Or one of my items scans wrong and they have to send out a search party to determine whether the actual price was 1.47 or 1.49. Or (my favorite) the cash register/debit card machine decides to break. I have given up... now I will choose my lane based upon which candy bar combination I would be least likely to buy and which trashy tabloids I want to peruse while waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

Tales From the Supermarket Pt. One

2009-05-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Fifteen items or less means simply this... FIFTEEN ITEMS OR LESS. Preferably less. If you are confused, you may simply count the items in your basket. Yes, basket... if you have a cart and have anything other than a 50 lb bag of dog food or charcoal and a carton of milk... surprise, you don't have fifteen items. Trust me. You have more than 15 and are just trying to scrape through and destroy the delicate order that the supermarket society promotes. I don't care if it is SIXTEEN. I don't want to stand behind you with my lonely loaf of bread as you ring in your two carts full of penny candies and then pay with a check.

THIS BLOG IS GOING PRIVATE

2009-05-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

Just joshing. It isn't. And I find that private blogs defeat the purpose of blogs--at least in my mind. Initially when I started the old blog, I was blogging to the 3-4 other people I knew who had blogs and the random strangers/companies that are selling something that would occasionally stumble onto my blog. I wasn't posting great personal revelations or musings that I wouldn't feel completely comfortable with Big Steve and The Latin Fury reading. Yes, even that post when I said I wanted to break up with my parents...

There is just something comforting about posting out into the void and wondering if some soul out there millions of miles away will read it. Frequently, I just hit next and see what other blogs are doing in the world (One day I plan to post a list of the blogs I have found and secretly loved, but I am too unmotivated at present). I have read touching stories about adoption, parents losing children, drunken Canadian nights out with hipsters, people obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and a bajillion baking/scrapbooking ladies willing to share their recipes and ideas. I have found photography sites, and culinary sites, and travel sites, and it has been quite interesting. Now, my ego doesn't persuade me to believe that people are stumbling onto my site and being wowed by the design (that was for you, Beardocrat :x) or the content. But my blog is all me. And will always be all me for all the world (and my two semi regular readers... thanks Smithfieldman and The Rage) to read about. This is my declaration and promise that this blog will not go private!

Luddite

2009-04-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

I hate technology. This is a fact. I was the last person I knew to get a cell phone and still hate the fact that I just can't get a phone that is a phone. I don't want it to play music. I don't want it to take pictures. I don't want it to send me email. I don't want it to pretend to have a GPS. I want my phone to take calls that I ignore. That is what I expect from a phone... but I digress. I was talking about how I don't like technology. I have a laptop that performs regular laptop functions. I have a printer that performs regular printer functions. I have simple needs.

That being said, I found something that one day I MUST own. As much as I hate technology, I LOVE books. I like their smell. I like their content (generally speaking). I like to read a book in bed at night and wake up to it on my pillow in the morning. I like books littering my car, my purse, my living room. I go to bookstores, and used bookstores, and yard sales, and the internet... and come away with loads of books.

This weekend I moved for the fourth time in two years (if you count the flood and moving to the basement in my old digs) and realize that books are heavy... and bookshelves are awkward to lift. The sad part of this story is that I still have all the books in my parents attic that I didn't bring when I moved to Provo. Spoiler alert... that will be ANOTHER fun day of moving in the not too distant future. The other day on the internet my love of books almost beat my hatred of technology when I stumbled upon this:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00154JDAI/?tag=mh0b-20&hvadid=150132564&ref=pd_sl_7eu79bt94_e

What is it, you ask??? Only a genius idea... And Kindle2! I didn't even know about Kindle1. Now I have not yet held a Kindle2 in my hot little hands to see if it lives up to the hype, but a guy I know has a brother-in-law who swears by his Kindle2. If that isn't ringing endorsement enough for you! It has wireless access to Wikipedia for Heaven's Sake!!! So, my birthday is in several months and if all two semi regular readers start saving... I think you could get me the gift that says, "I love you." Just a suggestion...

Thoughts on Showers

2009-04-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

I don't love to publish my personal life in the public forum (yes, ignore my facebooking/gchat status) but I feel this need to share something I have learned with the rest of the world. I have had the recent opportunity to attend two showers recently as the guest of honor. No, Darbley, not communal showers a la MTC. Bridal Showers. I have some observations based on my research:

1- The older the woman, the less shame about saying things that shouldn't be said in public.

2- People find it hilarious to give harmless gifts like lotion, or body wash, in Victoria's Secret bags. (in a related rant: Who is this Victoria, and why do we care about her secret? Which isn't actually such a secret is it? Her secret is shown freely in shopping malls everywhere)

3- Children have no place at Bridal Showers.

4- Men have no place at Bridal Showers.

5- The world has an endless supply of decorative frames.

6- When planning showers people do not think enough about the healing power of chocolate.

7- Scrapbooking is not/will never be my thing.

8- There are certain things that should never be said. Ever. In any company. Ever.

9- Most things can be endured, if free food is involved.

10- Smiling, and looking pretty never hurt.

Girl Scout Cookies

2009-03-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

I am about to anger all 1.5 readers of my blog with this next post. But I feel like it is time to get back to cynicism. I have been too happy lately. I will admit it. I have sung. I have danced. I have frolicked. I have found myself staring off at odd times with an awkward smile on my face and I apologize. If CPR has one credo, it is to shed light on those things that annoy. Few things annoy me more than Girl Scout Cookies.

Where to begin? People LOVE these things, and I am not sure why. Very recently three separate people admitted guilt to eating a whole package of Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting. Imagine my disgust. A) that they would endorse the girl scout organization via cookie purchases but mostly B) that they thought a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies meant something. If ever there was a group of people that promoted ridiculously small portions... it was those Girl Scouts.

Also... and here comes cause for angry rebuttal comments: GIRL SCOUT COOKIES ARE DISGUSTING. They taste and have the consistency of cardboard. Yeah, I said it. Thin mints? Cardboard. Samoas? Cardboard? All those other kinds that I think are even LESS redeemable? Cardboard. I lived with a person called The Rage who often made cookies. They tasted like cookies. They had the consistency of cookies. In short they WERE cookies. In no way did the resemble what the Girl Scouts try to pass off as cookies. To be frank, if I am going to destroy my caloric intake for the day, I am doing it by consuming a cookie. A real cookie. A true cookie.

Some of you probably feel that this post is motivated from a hatred of uniformed girls selling goods, but that is untrue. This post is a result of guilt. I (yes, prepare to be shocked) was a girl scout and sold these... cookies. I apologize to anyone who might have bought them, or bought into the whole "proceeds go to help local troops" this is a lie. Cookie revenue that remains at a local level goes to pay for Girl Scout camp which is where the Girl Scout Agenda is truly seen. If you wonder what the Girl Scout organization supports, why don't you take a look at the lobby dollars they spend in Washington. You might be surprised. And you might just stop buying those nasty cookies.

Nu Skin

2009-03-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Do I endorse Nu Skin, you ask? No, I do not. Do I use Nu Skin? Also, no. Then why, oh why, a blog post about Nu Skin...

I have this friend. We will call him Miguel in order to protect his REAL identity. But let me just give you a hint: His actual name might be VERY SIMILAR to the name I have given him to protect his identity. Only his name is in a different language! Ha! Crack the code if you can. Alas, onward. Miguel works for a company called Nu Skin. Apparently for a small part of his job Miguel has to search the Internet for websites selling Nu Skin because legally they are not supposed to.

Instantly I felt a challenge... could Miguel find MY blog if I repeatedly mentioned Nu Skin? And would he send me intimidating letters from lawyers telling me to remove my Nu Skin post? We will just have to wait and see. In the meantime I will tell you the only Nu Skin story/experience I have to share.

Back in the college days I tried to take swimming classes all the time. Sure, this pushed my graduation back several years, and sure, it didn't help the bronchitis I managed to catch each winter... but it was tons of fun. In one of these classes was a kid I'll call Fernando. I am NOT trying to protect Fernando's identity. Either that was his name or he looked like a former co-worker named Fernando, either way we were not friends. I was; however, friends with Adam. Adam invited The Rage and I over to his place for a party that involved a pinata. The only OTHER thing I remember about said party was that Fernando and Adam were roommates, which subsequently made my swimming class a little awkward. Donning a bathing suit in front of complete strangers... not a problem. Donning one in front of a friend's roommate... different story. I digress. Fernando worked for Nu Skin and had all sorts of Nu Skin products. The evening culminated in an application of some sort of sawdusty green face mask. The Rage and I refused to take part for religious reasons, but to my knowledge pictures still exist somewhere.

So there you have my Nu Skin story all about Nu Skin products and websites that mention Nu Skin. I will let you know if "Miguel" contacts me about the post.

Love Story: all about Brad

2009-02-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

I can sense regular readers of CPR rolling your eyes, but trust me. This has nothing to do with those who sport beards. This is a different Love Story that I am indirectly involved in. It is February and in honor of this grand month it is time to recall love of days gone by.

Last year I got a friendship request on facebook from a woman in Colorado who will henceforth be known as The Kindly Old Lady (TKOL). We had no mutual friends and she didn't have a picture so I just let the invite sit... and sit... and sit. But my curiosity got the better of me and one day I accepted. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that TKOL only had friends named Michele that spelled their names with one L! After a little perusing I discovered that on a cruise TKOL, who has a bit of a sentimental side, found a message in a bottle written by a Brad to a one L Michele. Apparently this letter was deeply moving as Michele broke Brad's heart. I can relate to one L Michele's being a little ruthless where love is concerned and I DO know a Brad. I asked him if I ever broke his heart and if he ever poured his feelings into a bottle he threw into the ocean, he replied in the negative. (He was probably lying, because it is ME we are talking about) So I was forced to tell TKOL that she could scratch me (and Brad S.) off her list. Today I wanted an update on TKOL's search and found the following:

To all the Michele’s that have kindly accepted and assisted me in my search. It’s with deep regret that I have to end my search for the Michele & Brad “message in a bottle” romantic mystery. I feel I have contacted every Michele in every country on all social networks available with no success. It’s has been a tiring task and a long journey for me. I now believe in my heart I have done all I possibly could and feel that it’s “not meant to be”. My husband and I will be cruising the Indian Ocean in the next 2 weeks and I feel this love filled letter needs to return to the beautiful ocean where it came from. I plan to throw the bottle overboard as close as possible to the Mauritian and Seychelles islands. Hopefully it will find a strong current and lead it to a beautiful place along with all the other lost hearts. I want to thank those who had great interest in my search and best wishes for the future. Love to all the Michele’s, Loraine!

Ode to Persons with Beards who vote Democrat

2009-01-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

Statute of Limitations

2009-01-26T15:33:00.000-08:00

The other evening I had the pleasure of attending P&P Night--Pizza and pictionary--at a dear (yes, dear) friend's home. Among the other exalted guests were a couple (?) who will be called Delhan and April. Delhan--because it is his nickname according to me and April--because that is what I thought her name was... the entire night. How many hours did I call her April over and over and over again, you ask? Well, plenty. There was even an entire game of pictionary when we were partners and I would give her occasional high fives and shout "Well drawn, April!" and stuff of that nature. NOT ONCE did April correct me.

It turns out... April's name is Hannah.

Hannah!?

And the kicker is that April didn't even bother to tell me. Delhan had to say that her name was Hannah. So for me... She will forever be April. (I saw April again recently and called her April for another two hour period.)

So I propose a statute of limitations. You have a two mistaken name window. If you don't correct someone about your name by the third offense, you have no right to complain and you shall henceforth and forever be known as the incorrect name. A La the April Incident with a strict 'no exceptions' policy.

Now, just to prove that I am no hypocrite I will relate another story. After the April Incident I went to a party. At this party were several people that I didn't know, in addition to a friend's parents. I was in the kitchen discussing gourmet recipes, proper child rearing, and quilting (you know, things moms and I have in common) when I noticed that my friend's mom kept talking about this Melissa girl. I didn't know Melissa, so I just nodded and smiled. And because my smile is pretty charming the conversation went pretty easily. When it was time to leave I asked my hostess to show me to my coat. My friend's mom picked up my coat and handed it to me, saying, "Is this yours, Melissa?" I found that I was so startled I stumbled out into the snow with the realization that I had nodded, mumbled something about the dinner she'd prepared, and blinked a lot. I did not think to correct her. And so, to my friend's mom... I will always be Melissa, and I am okay with that.

The Object of My Affection

2009-01-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

The following are emails exchanged yesterday between a certain Smithfieldman and politicchic6

Andy:
Right now I am listening to one of my other favorite Andrews... Andrew Bird. His soothing voice and ability to whistle have stolen my heart. Plus he is lanky and has dark hair... I am pretty sure that we are getting married (the only slight problem being that he MIGHT already be married. I am SO glad I am Mormon...) His new album is on early release at NPR.org and it is AMAZING. I am really looking forward to purchasing it.

Michele,
How ironic that you mention Andrew Bird. I just read a piece about him on The New York Times Web site. A quote that made me think of you was: “When Andrew plays,” she said, “we can squeeze in a lot more (in the venue) because so many of them are skinny girls with glasses.” I will have to check out his new album on NPR. I've watched a couple YouTube videos of his as sometimes I search "Andrew" just to see what others with my namesake are doing.
The article I read also did mention that he had recently ended his relationship, with who I don't know. So I wish you well. Here's the link to the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/04/magazine/04bird-t.html

So there you have it. In some future date I will be blogging as Mrs. Andrew Bird (Dr. and Mrs?). He is coming to Murry the 25th of February and if anyone is interested in forwarding the cause of true love, you should purchase a ticket and come along.

Greatest Moments of 2009

2009-01-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

Everyone is doing lists of the best of 2008, but that is so last year. I would like to relive the greatest moments of '09 for several reasons, but mainly because the list will be shorter and easier for me to remember.

1- Mark the Shark in Dr. Pepper pajamas (let it be known that these are in no particular order, although Dr. Pepper pjs would certainly rank high on any totem pole). Nothing like seeing people from church in the wee hours of the morning.

2- A (potentially former?) enemy coming in to save the day (and seeing me in MY pajamas I might add). This is bitter sweet because I really enjoyed despising this person in days gone by. Alas, it is hard to think poorly of someone who might not be so bad...

3- Numbers asked for and received. I wasn't even trying to go all Yenta during the Fruitland New Year's Escape, but apparently Fruitland is where the magic happens and I hope this startling new development bears fruit (did you guys see what I just did there?) because it would be awesome.

4- Quesedillas. Secret ingredient... love.

5- Jace finding a new hero in Jerome. I enjoyed him parroting the mantra "You have to work for everything in life". It seems a little insincere coming from a six year old, but oh well.

6- Dallin refusing to believe that Stewedslacker once had hair. It does seem rather unbelievable.

7- Discovering that I had already read the bookclub pick, but re-reading it (and having a good cry) anyway.

8- Forcing Stewedslacker to get best men.

9- U of U Game. It HAS been a while since I was offered little smokies as a main dish. It has also been a while since I was propositioned for random makeouts with pseudo strangers. Nice to think that I still got it...

10- Forcing Tatum Tot into a chick flick with the chicks. There is nothing shameful in crying about Dear Frankie. I'm not made of stone, people.

11- Corey's engagement. I applaud someone who can break up with the "love of [their] life" (his words, not mine. I also believe the term soul mate was thrown out there) and be engaged to someone completely new in less than two months. Apparently the heart IS a fickle creature.

12- Reconnecting with old friends. There is a strange comfort in being able to speak to someone who you haven't seen in years and feeling like there has been no space or distance. Those are the relationships that last. In a world of artificial intimacy and forced closeness, genuine friendship is refreshing.

13- Mount Timpanogas Temple trip. I like that place. It is like chicken soup for the Provo resident's soul, when the Provo temple is closed for scheduled maintenance.

14- Realization (based on Christmas gifts) that my family might think that I am depressed... This may or may not be the discussion of a future blog post. Probably not as we all know that my blog post promises mean very little.

15- Our apartment becomes roughly the equivalent of a Motel 6. Who will be sleeping here? Who knows, but we will leave the light on, and the space heater.

Wow... I am not even halfway through the list. 09 is going to be pretty intense if judged by the activities thus far.

A Christmas Miracle

2008-12-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

Regular readers of CPR and friends realize that I am generally a chipper soul. Despite the name and avowed purpose of the blog, I usually feel content about life. This Christmas Eve; however, I woke up thinking about gifts that I had not yet purchased, a car that needed to be cleaned, packing that hadn't yet been dreamed about, in addition to a drive to the Homestead that would only lead me to certain portions of my family. In short... I have been dreading Christmas vacation for a while. To add to my very evident chagrin... I was elected to work. I generally volunteer for this sort of thing because I feel badly about taking people away from their children, but this year I didn't want to exercise charity. As I sat at my desk typing away furiously my cell phone rang. The following call is true:

Me: Hello (imagine slightly annoyed voice as I do not LOVE personal calls at work... but since I had taken one from said individual the day before, I felt like a slight hypocrite).
AF: Hey, are you in the need of Christmas spirit?
Me: (suspicious) Why?
AF: I am going to drop off the Sub-4-Santa stuff and wondered if you wanted to come along?
Me: Are you serious? You haven't done that yet?
AF: They wanted it done today.

In short I ended up taking my lunch break and heading over to Springville with a car packed full of gifts serenaded by the Garth Brooks Christmas Album ( I don't like his music, but he has a lovely voice). AF was pumped about the prospect of seeing the family, but I will admit to being less thrilled. As we pulled up to the trailer, I found myself wondering how eight people could live in a double wide trailer... And when we knocked I was slightly nervous about what I would possibly say to them. Imagine six little kids crowding the door and thankful parents. I don't want to get all Latin Fury on you, but I am a little weepy as I type this blasted post. They were genuinely wide eyed and in no way cynical. The phrase full of a "brightness of hope" comes to mind.

I suppose this is my way of saying Merry Christmas, and thanks to the many friends who have made this year awesome. It has been truly wonderful and next year promises to be even better.

Because you demand it...

2008-12-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

Time for an update, why? Because you demand it. Well, at least Casey demands it.

Okay... Now I have to kill 50 minutes...
M: I actually have work, but all of it requires a lot more than 50 minutes.
I suppose I could get a few reviews in order...
C: or alternatively you could blog.
M: But do I have anything of import to blog about?
C: You could blog about the erosion of capitalism and the proposed auto bailout and bush's abandoment of conservatism. . . Or you could blog about the five reasons you like having curly hair.

So these are my top five reasons I like having curly hair.

1- I can straighten it. When the mood strikes I CAN take the time to straighten it. Alternately, some people with straight hair can't make theirs curly. True and sad story.

2- Wind doesn't bother it. In fact, sometimes I have been out in the wind and people think it looks nice. Little do they know, it doesn't.

3- The rats have an instant nest. Sometimes rats need a place to lay their heads, and boy do I have one.

4- When I am in the middle of meetings that are not pleasant, I can always pull on my curls. I watch them straighten, then release them and say "Boi-oi-oing" under my breath. People with sleek, smooth, straight hair really do not have this option.

5- Camping doesn't affect me. Curly hair is not phased by camping. It always looks messy.

Another Bill Wrigley Update

2008-12-03T14:39:00.000-08:00

So, it may come as no surprise, Nursing Home Quarterly Meetings have evolved into events where I get to observe the magnificence that is Bill Wrigley. This is what I learned during NHQ this morning (well worth the drive...):

Bill is RETIRING this January. That is right. I will no longer have any reason to go to NHQ. Well, technically I will still have reason to go, as it is my job (although, without Bill... is there any reason to stay?), but I will have nothing to do during NHQ.

Bill always wears the hat. For a while I thought that it was a summer thing. No. The hat accompanies him everywhere.

Bill has an iPhone. So the man who couldn't figure out how to print out a case barcoded form from Content Manager suddenly knows how to work the iPhone... interesting.

Bill thinks I am funny. Truly. I was taking note. I only made two comments during the meeting. Both of these were slightly sarcastic, and Bill let out a genuine (albeit reluctant) laugh at each. He didn't crack a smile for the rest of the meeting. Although I do not know why because pre-paid funeral plans, and VA pension benefit breakdowns are generally thought to be very merry subjects.

So I am now looking for a new Bill Wrigley to fill the void. His replacement was at NHQ and showed a certain promise when he refused to shake my hand because I have a cold... we'll see.

Acceptance

2008-11-24T10:24:00.001-08:00

As regular readers of CPR know, I lose my keys often. They also know that stewedslacker, my relative, recently got engaged to be married. How are these concepts linked and why do they matter?* Well, I know it will come as a great shock, but I have never had a high degree of faith in relationships. Particularly ones instigated by members of the Sweat family. The Sweat men seem to disregard logic and rush headlong into whatever emotional pursuits are on hand, while the lone voice of reason--that would be me in this narrative--exercises caution to the point of paranoia to avoid emotions on any level. Neither of these approaches have proved successful, if you measure success in terms of eternal happiness. So when stewedslacker announced that he was getting hitched, I thought to myself "Here we go again".

I have approached the affair with skepticism and outright sarcasm at different points while torn between a desire to be supportive and a need to speak my mind. Now, of all strange occurances, I find acceptance. Yes, acceptance. Close your gaping jaws, and listen. A wise(ish) man, creator of Simsism once told me that I needed to have faith that stewedslacker would make good decisions. (This was a novel concept as stewedslacker was dating Yoko at the time, and I think we all remember how fun that was.) Yet, I have always doubted. Well, a few days ago at 24hourfitness (shameless plug) stewedslacker gave me the metaphorical key to acceptance.

Simply, he said he missed Malu, and that being away from someone you love is like missing your keys. It is as though your keys are lost and they are always in the back of your mind. And you spend your time living, but you always wonder about where they are, and would really like them with you. Now, as I said before, I lose my keys A LOT. I know this feeling very well. I know what it feels like to see your keys staring up at your from the couch cushions or pocket or floor where they have been hiding. I still believe that even though life will be difficult for anyone making big committments; life will especially be difficult for stewed slacker and Malu, as they have lots of difficulties that the average every day couple will not encounter. But I have come to accept that if someone feels that special 'missing key way' the only thing to do is take the risk. So, stewedslacker, best of luck. I will help how I can.

*Thank you Pacmis computer system for shutting down yet again, and making my work day into one long internet fest.

Cleve

2008-11-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to blog about Cleve for ages. Cleve calls me kiddo. Occasionally Cleve brings me chips and salsa. (Cleve is unaware that I really don't like corn chips. I mean, they're okay, but not exactly my thing) Recently Cleve sent me this email:

Hey thanks kiddo.. got it and its all taken care of.. have a great weekend..
Moi

I hope you noted the farewell. Yes, I believe that is a kissy noise, folks. If Cleve wasn't old enough to be my father and 'living with someone', I might be concerned. As it is, the whole situation walks that delicate tightrope between creepy and endearing.

What truly fascinates me about Cleve is his office superhero power (mine is to curl the phone chord and my nametag into tangled mess in an instant, but more about that some other time). Cleve breaks any printer he touches. I do not exaggerate when I say that he has broken our printer at least twelve separate times since we have moved to this office. He has taken to coming in early in the morning and hoping no one catches him at it, but if our printer is acting up during the day we all know who the culprit is.

"Nothin' burns like an effigy" -Homer Simpson

2008-11-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

That is right, folks. Guy Fawkes Day is upon us again. I thought it appropriate to remember a little "Gunpowder Treason and Plot" in light of recent political events in our own country. I may have blogged about Mr. Fawkes before, but why not once again. Essentially Mr. Fawkes was a Catholic in England when things were dangerous for Catholics and Protestants alike depending upon the whims of their current monarch. Fawkes wandered here and there basically fighting as a mercenary until he came back to England and became infamous for trying to blow up parliament.

Why do I discuss this now? Well, I am a Guy Fawkes sympathizer and always have been. Wrong place, wrong time... that is what I say. He wasn't the originator of the plot; he wasn't even a very powerful figure. He was basically elected watchmen over the explosives because he had been in the military.

Not that I am FOR blowing up buildings, governmental or otherwise, but I wonder what the world would have been like if the plot had succeeded (do I smell movie???). Britain's power hadn't been firmly established, and perhaps the British Empire would not be what it came to be. Their political systems were fractured, and the potential impact of 'the plot' would have had serious consequences.

Alas, we'll never know... but tonight, in honor of my friend Guy, I will light a tiny bonfire in my roommates BBQ and pay homage.

Scary Movies

2008-10-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

Fearfest '08 has been a bit of a bust, I will admit. None of my suggested movies made the playlist and I slept through a majority of the other movies we watched, while missing a few entirely. That French movie...it involved a creepy mask and someone who lurks eerily in the shadows, which I can appreciate, but as a whole it was more of a comedy. Casey and I recently (read a few minutes ago via IM) had this conversation about scary movies:

Casey L: Joni says we should watch a scary movie, but we definitely differ on what we consider scarey.
Michele S: Anything starring Paris Hilton would freak me out.
Casey L: Ah yes, indeed. Much scarier than The Grudge or something, (I consider Grudge to be a comedy. How can croaking blue chinese people NOT be funny?)
Michele S: SO!!! FUNNY!!! agreed. The most scary movies to me are disturbing movies without a point... a la There Will be Blood.
Michele S: Or that dancing movie with Vanessa Williams.
Michele S: Or movies that attempt to be really profound.
Casey L: oh that was flat out boring, at least what I saw of it (the vanessa williams movie). Joni likes the paranormal type movies (such as Grudge) and the slasher movies. I think they are absolutely ridiculous and silly. I did see Saw once a long time ago, and that was flat out disturbing, though not scary. For me I can only think of two movies where I was actually scared. ET and Fire in the Sky.
Michele S: Ah! Fire in the Sky was WONDERFUL. Have you seen The Thing?
Casey L: I haven't.
Michele S: I liked it, but it might be too 70s for you.
Casey Lance: I enjoy a good 70's movie. wait, does the thing live in a swamp???
Michele S: No Antarctica
Casey L: okay, maybe not.
Michele S: It might actually be an early Stephen King, but it is legitimately good. It has a slow buildup some character development. The special effects will clearly be cheesy...but it is interesting.
Casey L: Well we know that I don't cheesy special effects. . .
Michele D. Sweat: ah yes, you do love Star Trek.
Casey L: Although I have a sinking feeling that that might change with the new movie.
Michele S: when does that come out again?
Casey L: May 9th, I believe. I had been quite excited but then I read the article on Entertainment Weekly's website. . . And I saw pictures. . .
Michele S: and?
Casey L: The enterprise bridge looks like a hair salon.
Michele S: hahahahahahahahahah!
Casey L: And the whole article kept mentioning that they were making star trek cool again, basically that they are shooting for 18-25 year old men that like superhero movies. . . And that it isn't about pleasing the fans. Which makes me think we are getting a dumbed down movie set in a hair a salon.
Michele s: Well, Star Trek was only cool to nerdy people...do YOU think it had a universal appeal?
Casey L: Well, in 1990 The next generation was one of the top ten shows. I wouldn't say it had universal appeal, but it certainly was quite popular around that time. And who hasn't seen the whale movie????
Casey L: http://trekmovie.com/2008/10/15/more-star-trek-images-enterprise-crew-nero/
Casey L: Here is the salon picture. You can't see the receptionist in that picture, try this: http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2008/10/15/exclusive-new-star-trek-movie-photo-with-kirk-spock-sulu-and-the-uss-enterprise-bridge/
Casey L: The lady in the back looks like she is either at a hair salon or a restaurant. Getting ready to call up whomever is next. Not to mention the whole thing looks like an Apple Store.
Michele S: Looks like a place I would hang out...if I wanted to sip appletinis and talk about my rapidly dropping 401k... as I want to do neither of those things, the whole thing has very little appeal.
Casey Lance: And discuss why you love Barack Obama.

And so we come back to the politics as we always do...much more frightening than any movie...

Political Platform

2008-09-23T10:15:00.001-07:00

Previously I promised a book review about a couple cat mysteries that I recently read. I know. I don't want to talk about it. Well, the book review will have to wait. I have been asked my thoughts on the political situation, and those of you that know me, know that I secretly watched the Oliver North trials on television whilst I was supposed to be napping. So, to put it mildly. I have my opinions on these things. To demonstrate my point I have inserted an IM conversation about the subject.

Casey: As far the as the governor race is concerned, I am not really following it. There is nothing to follow since we know who will win. However, this: http://dellschanze.blogspot.com/ is why people think libertarians are crazy.
Casey: I particularly enjoy this quote: There really isn't a choice for Governor in Utah for those that believe in God. ALL, 100%, every single Christian in Utah will vote for Dell Schanze as governor.
Michele: That guy is NUTS
Casey: It annoys me that he doesn't actually understand libertarianism. He thinks it means he can run around pulling is gun on the streets of Salt Lake. Yet at the same time displays that he understands absolutely nothing about the founding fathers, or anything for that matter.
Michele: The guy is just nuts! I have no idea what else we can say about him. No one like him should have a blog.
Casey: I think "nuts" captures it. The thing is, people will tie his name with the word libertarian, and then make it harder for legitimate libertarians to ever have a chance. not that they have much of one as it is. . .
Michele They don't and I feel a need to affiliate with a party primarily because 'Independent' is just a fancy word for non committal democrat. And I do not want to be a non-committal democrat.
Casey: Maybe you should affiliate with the constitution party.
Michele: Ooohhh, do they have a web site? I need to do a little research.
Casey: yes, they are mildly popular in Utah County. Basically they say "we need to get back to the founding fathers and the constitution" which sounds exciting, until it turns out by that, they mean get back to the bible, because the founding fathers were all devotedly Christian. www.constitutionparty.com (That is funny, I just read the article "Ron Paul endorses Chuck Balwdin" which make it appear that Ron Paul personally endorsed him. But as it turns out he endorsed all third party candidates.)
Michele: I have searched the facts and realized that this party likes the bible too much for me.
Casey: I agree. And this coming from two bible believers. . .
Michele: Ish.. lets not get crazy.
Casey: Well, yes, if you ignore the noah thing . . . How about: http://www.prohibition.org/
Michele: Based solely on their angelfire-esque website I'm going to have to give them a no. What else do you have?
Casey: http://www.theamericanparty.org/ http://americafirstparty.org/
Michele: Oh my! Utahns in the leadership...I can support that.
Casey: I find the conservative third parties much more fun
Michele: At least America First has a platform. That is pretty organized.
Casey: This one even had a convention in Utah: http://www.usiap.org/ Its funny how on the front page the declare all of the God stuff, and then quote our deist friend Thomas Jefferson.Casey Lance: Why not quote him on religion???
Michele: That would get too sketchy. He is inspired about government...clearly, but NOT about religion.
Casey: yeah, but I get tired of hearing everyone say he and the founding fathers were basically Mormon and that everything they did was based on the belief in the Christian god. It simply isn't true.
Michele: You know that, I know that. Do we really need to shatter the faith of those who don't? That is why Fourth of July Sunday drives me nuts sometimes.
Casey: Yes, I do need to shatter their faith.
Michele: Do you think the constitution party would be in favor of something like that? No. It would not.
Casey: No, it would not. And that makes me like the idea more . . .

In reality I have become very cynical about politics and politicians. Do I believe that there are still good people in government? Hmmm.... I believe people have good intentions, but they become part of the machine that is beaurocracy. (hypocrite alert--I realize that I am employed solely because beaurocracy exists) So this year for the election--all but the Presidential, in which I will be voting my concience...neither of the candididates--I am going to vote against the incumbent. See www.simsisms.blogspot.com I say we send a message.

Bill Wrigley Update

2008-09-15T13:23:00.001-07:00

His book is a science fiction/fantasy about aliens that help the pilgrims or pilgrims that help aliens??? I am not sure, but it is called Pilgrims Among the Stars.

Seriously, DWS? Seriously?

2008-09-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

I enjoy my job. I get to IM Casey, email Smithfieldman, help people in need, and come into contact with people whose lives are much more difficult than my own. Though Casey and I mention ETD--estimated departure time--more often than two people should, I generally leave my job feeling like I have made the world a bit better. I can look in the many mirrors that I surround myself with and say "Politicchic6, you have done it again, you minx (I only add that last part when I am feeling particularly saucy)". Then there are the days like today. Days when I stroll in just a little late to see several emails and voice mails and I try to
imagine what my doppelganger must be up to. I am sure he/she is jet setting around, perhaps has landed in Scotland for a meeting with Sir David Davidson about Tory reform, then would be off to speak at a convention in Ghana about children's literacy levels and corporate funding for private education. I am; however, receiving emails like these. This is an ACTUAL email sent on the State email system. I have altered nothing. I only wish that I had.

Ok everyone here is another one of my inspirational emails....
You know the government is saving energy costs with the new 4 -10 hours days...
There are a few things that they should not be saving on for the well being of Us, the Employees... That is right water and toiletries. As we are here for longer hours each day it is still very important to our system to have proper hydration and excretion. Especially in these stressful times we do not need to have physical in-balances. FACT: Approximately 60% of non-illness headaches are related to the body's hydration. Make sure that you are drinking water (that is what the drinking fountains are for) throughout the day.
And any doctor will tell you Don't hold it. And 10 hours is just too long to hold it! :)
There is a lot of stress that is out of our control, but these are things that can greatly increase our ability to deal with the uncontrollable stressors...